insight into ...........

warning::: long post ahead

I ve been edging myself to write about this topic but there was this unnecessary reluctance in ma mind whether to write it or not since i am, at least nowadays, giving an impression to the reader that i am self centered and pompous by writing about myself..but o well anyways..here goes....

i ve always believed that there are voices inside one s head...to tell you what to do...when...how...etc...to decide things...to distinguish between right and wrong...and more...they re always there...whether ur sleeping or standing or walking or shitting...they never cease...they go on continuously with their blabber ....some of it useful...most of it useless...and surprisingly even when your whole body is down and out...ur back is pleading you to lie down..ur limbs are giving up on you...you just want to forget about everything and rest...even in those times...these voices are there...dominating your course of action...guiding you....directing you...consoling you....reprimanding you....criticizing you...supporting you...ppl like to call them thoughts...or ideas...or opinions ...i call them voices coz at least in my head they er always shouting orders to me....

k...where was i...aah yes...voices...this is not a general view coz i dunno how others head works....am talking solely about my empty 4 into 4 inch container above my neck...there are a million voices in my head...but only a few of them dominate others....and remain...forever,,,,one is the self critic..always tellin me that i ve done something horrible...if not then he s kind enough to tel me what a worthless piece of shit i am...he s the most powerful thing on ma mind...dunno how and to tame him.....the other one is the positive thinker...i cal him the pusher....he s a die hard optimist...always helping supporting...pushing me ahead with all his enthusiasm....these two keep fighting all the time...and i have to sit back and listen to the one who wins....and there is one more....the enlightened one....one who believes that no matter how much i struggle i am going to get what i am destined for and that there is no use struggling as life lays down a path for us to follow.....i find this guy the most stable one but he lacks aggression so ends up on the losing side all the time...these 3 voices form more than 3 quarters of my mind....we discuss...we look...we analyse...and we implement....when there is balance between these 3...i am stable....otherwise...i am a wreck....

now i ll try to give you the most honest insight....on the day my exams got over....scenario....have just reached home....its 9.30 in the night.....lets see whats going through my mind...
characters:::
critic voice::: cv
optimistic voice::: ov
enlightened voice::: ev
...and myself::: me

i just reach home....take my shoes off...just when i am taking the bag off, cv starts with his one liners....

cv:: "before you even try to think about resting your worthless ass on the bed, please try to remember that you have a big decision pending....you have been toying with this for quite some time now and a decision is urgently required as its difficult to do both....cmon...cat or gre...temme quick...."

i grumble ...trying not to pay attention to what cv has just said...but he s already done the damage....and he knows it...
me::: "am trying to get some rest here....i just came home...can i not relax and talk later?"

cv::::"o yes i am so sorry for disturbing your highness as i conveniently forgot what a brilliant paper u wrote today...i agree u totally deserve the rest...."

that stings....goes straight through my heart...shit....i start losing composure once again...just then,,,

ov::: "dont listen to him yug....he s just meant to bring u down...big deal if one ppr didnt go ur way....there will be a million chances later....and u have to learn from this so that u dont repeat the blunders committed before ....u ll never learn if u dont commit mistakes...."

cv:::: "now i see wer he gets his losing nature from....if u constantly live under the blanket of these false assurances yug,, u ll never progress in ur life...be practical...just say that u have become a waste..."

ov:::: "thats not true...try to rem the times wen u wer down and u told ur self that u ll work hard and u did....so pull urself up...your the best...you can u will u must!!!"

cv:::: "ppl here are so good at talking bullshit...."

i really dont know what to do...so i just lie down and close my eyes....unfortunately that doesnt help my situation....these voices get louder,....

cv::: "ok loser...we r moving away from the topic...decide...mba or ms?"

Me:: "i odnt really know..."

cv::: "wow....u do me proud bro....at least i got a pat reply for this question....now i know wat ur confident about...ur confident about the fact that u dont know anything and cant make one straight decision,,,,"


ov::::"lets see...and cv u shut up...yug u can do an mba....cat is difficult i know dat...but u hav the skills and aptitude to crack it..."

cv::: "whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!! there!!!! may i beg to interrupt.....a little status check here....a handful of the aspirants aactly make it to the mba courses....and may i remind u tht cat is one of the toughest exams in the world....and may i refer to wat happened at ur previous try at a really competitive exam? The iit? U sukd dude...u sukd really bad...so think again..."


ov::: "iit was a different issue...there was loads of pressure....mba is much abt aptitude than knowing many things....so there is a difference,...and it can be exploited..."

i dunno y i did this but i mustered some courae to try and open another window of opportunity by mentioning gre....i thot that would silence cv....i needed to outwit him....in vain again....

cv:::: "gre??? oho...the person who stil struggles with errors to write lab programs wants to do masters in computers.....i dont why but that didnt tickle....are you trying to joke....cos tht wasnt funny......accept it ur technically challlenged...."

i was getting irritated....this was one of the times wen cv dominated and ov was at the loss of words...i hated that....this was one of the time i feel low and depressed....but i wasnt gonna let tht happen to me on tht day...at least not on the day the exams end,...so i begged ev to get me out of the situation...ev was listening to the conversation for a long time.....

ev:::: "i think you both need to give yug a little time...its fair of him to think tht his exams are over and he does need rest...therz no use workin ur mind wen it is tired....decisions...these are some things tht we hav to take...but it may be remembered that indecision is also a decision...so it would be foolish to say that i have made this decision...things happen for ppl....same way decisions also ohappen and they are not taken....there wil be an omen tellin u wat ur decidin is incorrect...o sorry...nothin is incorrect...the omen wil tel u whether wat ur decidin is FOR YOU OR NOT....so its pointless thinkin abt it ay and night esply on the day the exams end...it is a time to relax...recouperate....and refreshen ourselves so tht we r natural enough to avoid disruptances in the path of our thinking and our omens....so for now we are not taking this conversation farther and not thinking about it for the time being..."


i smile and open my eyes to see food kept on the table....am still with my socks on and the same clothes on....the clock reads 1 a.m....i get up wash ma face....devour all the food....put the lights off ...and lie down again...closing my eyes...wen slowly as expected....cv starts off again.....