A Disappointed Smile

A labourer stands alone, fatigued with work and pain,
A ruthless master implies no more gain,

He begs for more, just a little bit more,
Receives lashes till his back is sore,

He returns home, hopeful eyes stare at him for a while,
He shakes his head with a disappointed smile.





A doctor he is, tired and exhausted,
Stares at the next patient having his blood clotted,

He works twenty hours without a break,
So many commitments he failed to make,

As his next patient retches blood and bile,
He takes him in with a disappointed smile.





A soldier he is, stands tall and upright,
And feels proud of the army’s might,

But the person controlling him, he knows,
No ethics, no righteousness, after money he goes,

The soldier feels betrayed as he marches another mile,
He looks up at the flag with a disappointed smile.





A journalist he is, strong and bold,
To the worlds wrongs his attitude is cold,

He travels and writes about the wrongs in this world,
Of the people and places of high ranks, laurels and low morals,

But as he stands and stares at his rejected file,
His cold eyes do not connect to his disappointed smile.





A student he is, a frustrated engineering one,
Three years into it and wondering what he has done,

A lot of thoughts cloud his mind,
A small voice saying that everything will be fine,

He sees his friends, in the rain, play,
Their faces and limbs covered with mud and clay,

He stands there watching, the wind teasing his hair,
He tries to fake a impassive stare,

He closes his eyes, letting the tension pile,
He looks up and wears a disappointed smile.

The Cold Shoulder

I stood there in front of them, staring,
Both engrossed in each others caring,

I stood there watching, my fastest friend he was,
The one who taught me that friendship had no clause,

They stared at each other and smiled at each word,
While I just stood there waiting and bored,

I looked up, looked down, to find someone I tried,
And kept shifting my weight to the other side,

I wish then, there was someone beside me right,
With whom I could share my miserable plight,

I waited and waited, it seemed like months and days,
For him to come around in his original ways,

I always thought that changes were inevitable,
But never imagined they could be so pitiable,

I thought he would come by, at least when I was in trouble,
But I guess it was hard for him to break that bubble,

I waited a lot and I waited some more,
But inside I was hurt by what he had done many times before,

But I realized it was my mistake, that I expected things from him,
Cos he wasn’t the best of them, for he was always so serious and grim,

I smiled , shrugged, and turned around to go back,
The girl noticed and she called back,

It mattered none to him as I stared at him colder,
For I knew what I had got from him...the cold shoulder.

Random pictures

Am not much of a photoblogger like pratap is..but just felt like updating some random pictures....
Lab 133...our adda for 2 years!!

live a dogs life they say...all they know to do is sleep eat and screw....and take free local train rides...i caught this one at andheri...got unto a churchgate slow...and got down at santacruz...interesting if not funny!!


My messed up "study" table


still life...(just a glass of water dont look too much into it)


My brother karan with a friend of his on a goan beach...i loved this pic the most!! (for those who watch dragonball z its KAMEHAHMEHAAH!!! :))

Speed

I love my bike. A lot. Maybe more than a lot of people in this world. This is the closest I can get to being materialistic. But all of us who own a bike would agree. It’s different.

She helps me a lot. My unicorn 150. whenever I am stressed, or depressed or just plain confused. I feel like for a long ride. On the highway. I have to then cut down other costs which are obviously directed towards fuel. But that’s ok.

There was no one at home that night. The air was still and there was no unnecessary breeze. It was 1 a.m. and the neighbours were asleep as well. Not a sound. Perfect. I went down, tied pieces of torn cloth to the grip handle. Increased the revolutions per minute by 1000 rpm. (it can be done by loosening a small screw located to the right, just near the engine where the kick start pedal ends.) I got on top and kicked. Unicorns don’ t make any noise but in that uncomfortable silence of the night in the parking lot, it seemed to roar. I killed the engine. Lights. Check. Rear brake. Check. Disc brake. Check. Dippers. Check. Indicators. Check. Mirror positioning. Check. Fuel on. Check. Fuel level. Check. All set. Ready to go.

Kick. Raw rumbling sound of the engine. Clutch. Gear pedal down. Gear 1. go!!!
Clutch, shift gear pedal up, gear 2…shift gear 3….and I was off.

As I descended the hill and on to the highway, I thought whether I should be doing this.
If I was right in doing this. It was not about the risk of getting hurt that was worrying me. It was the risk of getting caught. And be grounded for an indefinite amount of time. That too without the bike. That part was scary.

The western express highway is particularly dangerous after 2a.m. nearly all the drivers are drunk and no one drives below 100 km/ hr. A breeze started to blow. A steady cold breeze. I was riding against it. It seeped in through the visor screen and was right into my face. I put on full throttle. 45km/hr. 55 km/hr. 70 km/ hr 85 km/ hr….now it gets dangerous as any sudden movement or anything relatively close to that would result in a one way ride to you know where. 95 km/hr. my shirt was going to be blown away. 105 km/ hr. this is the highest I have been so far… the bike starts vibrating and curves slightly to the left on going above this.. I felt like God..Riding at 105 km/hr in the middle of the night. I felt ecstatic. Free. Out of control. Crazy. And I loved myself for it. And I loved my bike even more.

The lights appeared and went in a daze. It was still on full throttle. The bike swayed dangerously each time the speed increased. Not that I cared. Every time I accelerated, I felt this catch in the region just below the solar plexus and above the stomach. A sharp hollow feeling. Adrenaline pumping. The pulse rate quickened. The feeling persisted till the acceleration was on.

The t shirt collar flapped rapidly at my neck as I cut through the wind and further towards Andheri.
I wished I had a jacket on, I thought bluntly as I sped through the occasionally present mist in between flyovers. It is an interesting thing to notice how the air becomes suddenly damp and moist and cold and again becomes dry a minute later. It feels as if there are patches of different air columns present stationary as I cut through them.

I let go off the throttle as I neared Andheri. The speed lessened as I decremented the gear shift till it reduced to 2. I still wished my bike had a 6th gear. Life would have been so much better. I took a u turn at Andheri junction and proceeded towards home. Even with the helmet on my ears had gone cold. It was a cold November morning. as I reached Goregaon I began to feel good about the little excursion I had. In 10 minutes I pulled into the parking lot. The watchmen had made a primitive fire for themselves about which they had gathered around, playing teen patti. The meter said 9174…I had ridden 26 kilometres. 30 rupees well saved and spent. I felt good about myself. There was nothing in my head. A mind devoid of thoughts. I could feel the blood rushing to the brain as I recalled 105km/hr feeling. My stomach churned and my head started beating. I smiled. Quietly I crept to my second floor apartment and unlocked the door. I hoped the neighbours wouldn’t hear me and luckily they didn’t. my head swayed as I lied down on the floor. I smiled again. Maybe this is what being high feels like, I thought, amused.


(p.s.: I do not in any way, from this post, encourage anyone to ride or drive at night or speed above 70 km/hr. trust me it is highly dangerous. Only a stupid dumbfuck like me can be foolish enough to carry out something like that. Also try avoiding writing such articles especially when your mother uses the pc often. Because unknowingly you will be foolish enough to write such an article and save it on the desktop, thus making it available for everyone to read.>> I had to hear a lot that day. Especially since the accident I recently had..details later…amen)

blogroll updated

Greetings to my reducing list of patient readers...say hi to anna, gaurav dobhal, karan, kirti, pratiksha, snehal and tanmay.

Will update soon..Please bear with me..have been very busy...also life has been very interesting this one month :-))...adios.

Just This Once

The room was dark. And quiet. It smelt of raw plywood and rotting wood polish. A damp woody smell. Perfect, thought Mike. He walked towards the window sill, his sneakers making a soft muffled sound as they passed over the wood shavings scattered on the floor. He stopped. The window sill. Perfect. the weather was cloudy. A soft drizzle followed as he stood there, watching. Darkening the sky even more. Perfect. He sat on the window sill, one leg up resting his elbow on it. Slid a window open. Fresh air greeted him. Maybe for the last time, he mused. The drizzle turned into a downpour. People, children, dogs scattered for shelter. Perfect, thought mike. To be safe inside a man made structure but still feel the iron grip of nature on yourself. And to do something so unethical that even nature would be upset. He smiled. And took out his smoke. Lit it. Rested his head on the wall, closed his eyes, letting it burn idly. I am not sad, or depressed or in any trouble. Neither am I under any peer pressure, he thought bluntly. I am just doing it to try it out. Just once. Just this once. He looked at his Marlboro light. It was halfway through. Hell I think too much. He took a drag. A small one. His throat grew hot, his chest burnt and what followed was a series of coughs. Violent ones. Uncontrollable ones. His eyes watered. What pleasure do people derive from doing this, he thought. It was nearly over. He put it in his mouth, and inhaled slowly. This time there were no desperate coughs. No burning lungs. A floating sensation. A mind devoid of thought. Clarity to the maximum. His heartbeat went up as blood rushed to his brain. And then it slowed down. Easing it of all pain. Of the confusion. He thought the smoke would cloud his thoughts and retard his thinking capabilities. On the contrary, he had never been so clear. Or confident. He opened his eyes. The feeling started fading and he could already feel himself reaching out for a second. But he stopped himself. And smiled. Is this what they called being high? Is this what people wasted their lives on? Someone had told him that meditation gave one the same feeling after years of practice. What a quick way this was. But he promised himself he wouldn’t get addicted. Addicted? And me? Definitely not, he thought. He could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he struggled to fight off the urge. His body swayed and his mind raged a battle against his so called ethics. Maybe I just need another one to calm myself down, just this once. Just this once.



**(this article does not in any way promote smoking or any related activities. I have tried to show it in a bad light, how it becomes addictive. Also the character is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is highly coincidental.)

Thank You

This is a post I had written 6 months back but never had the opportunity to update it. For some reason I didn’t do it. But now, since many people are changing (these may include me), I really want to thank many of my friends who have really done a lot for me. I have really been lucky to be blessed by amazing parents, amazing friends and frankly many a times I feel I don’t deserve it. My friends have influenced me in many ways. I have learnt a lot from them. Many of my opinions about them have changed and before they change completely I want to do justice to them by posting it. Now I can’t list down all those who have been there for me but definitely they know it I thank them for it. Let us start. I want to thank the following people….for teaching me….


Pratap Kaul::

To be a fighter, to always be the underdog, to work really hard, to stay on the ground always, to rise after being down, to put 100% in everything, to self introspect and continuously improve, to help others no matter what.

Ashwathi Nambiar::

To make life simple, to get maximum output through minimum effort(I have not figured out this one as yet), to not be bothered by material achievements at all but at the same time achieve them with ease, to help others, to enjoy life as it is and not how it should be.

Rohit Bharadwaj::

To be passionate about doing things which come your way, to understand help and trust people completely, to be selfless.

Sinan Kadavath::

To try and live life to the fullest, to think and act differently, to be unique and live life according to one’s own wants, to do everything, to try and do the improbable.

Rahul madhavan::

To not be bothered by anything, to go about one’s life in a way which is unaffected by others’ thinking, to improve, to think practically, he showed me that change need not always be bad.

Rahul goswami::

To be selfless, to help others and think about their good, to care for others even when he himself is in a precarious position, to think a lot, to be positive and critical at the same time, I always thought he deserves more than he achieves.


Amey desai::

To be practical, to not divulge too much into peoples’ personal lives, to help others at any cost, to be lightheaded and unstressed, to make complex things simple, to not think about the past, to not regret at any point.


Dimple Nangia::

To help others, to be hopelessly optimistic about everything around you.


Brett fernandes::

To put minimum effort and maximum output, synergy is maximum, btw thanks for helping me in the exam.

Tushar yerandekar::

To work hard, to fight for success, to help others, to be positive about everything which one faces.

Madhav Kanhere::

To be a die hard self critic, to work day and night and still be unsatisfied, to compete all the time, to be the best.

Karan Gaikwad::

To relax and be chilled, to work hard, to be determined at all costs.

Sanket Godbole::

To be humble, to have your feet rooted to the ground even though your knowledge may touch the sky, to be genuine.

Anup kotalwar::

To think logically all the time, to share one’s knowledge with anyone and everyone.


Shrilata murthy::

To hide one’s maturity, to be highly determined at the same time not sacrificing on small events which make one happy, to behave like a kid, to be full of energy all the time.

Sachin Kondar::

To help others no matter what and stay by their side when you need them.


Nikhil Khekade::

To be energetic, determined, smart, to captivate everyone with humility, to admit if one doesn’t know something and to go to any lengths to explain it if he does know, to be dynamic, to do something in life, to work continuously and to enjoy life as a journey.

There are some more names which are coming to my mind but for now, I think these should suffice. Thank you for everything. I know things are not going to be the same considering how things are right now, but I hope they do. Amen.

A Sunday Afternoon

::(post dates back long....around three months.)


I sat there. Staring. Fixedly in front of me. Out of the window. Where two small boys played with a Frisbee. The loud chatter. The laughs. The fun. I was perhaps more jealous than envious. A warm Sunday afternoon and these children played carelessly. Laughed effortlessly. Ran the whole stretch not thinking about any projects. Or assignments. Or journals. Or presentations. Or submissions. Not worried about their future decisions. Ignorant of the challenges ahead. Swallowing all envy, I got up. Rinsed my face with cold water. And stood in front of the mirror. A pair of tired red eyes stared back at me. The haggard face showed signs of unnecessary overwork. The wrinkled, unshaven face depicted an identity of a person torn between career decisions, managing relationships and building a place for himself in this huge world. I looked away and stood in front of the window. A soft breeze went past, teasing my face and hair. Inviting me. Telling me that nature is waiting. For me. Telling me to break all bonds and shackles. To be free. Like those two children.



The wind picked up speed. Windows banged against their sills, dried leaves leapt in the air. The trees swayed joyfully as I looked up at the slowly darkening sky. The children also looked up amused at the sight of their Frisbee going longer and higher in the wind. Thunder struck but the childrens’ cries of joy was louder. As the drops fell, their dance began. They sang a popular Hindi song as they continued dancing, drenching themselves. Everyone else ran for shelter. Except those two. All I could do at that moment was smile. I went down and took a long walk. The rain fell harder. Drenching my clothes, my body, and then my thoughts. It was as if mother nature was washing the negativity off me. I walked up to the hill and sat on a bench. The noises of the children were still louder than the rain. How I wished to go back in time. To be that same kid. Once again. A shout interrupted my thoughts. I smiled to see a few people getting their hands on a football. I didn’t know anyone. And later, I realized that they didn’t know each other either. But the silly game of football that followed in that small space of the parking lot was enough to change my mood completely. The silliest of jokes, the horrible barefoot play, the slipping, the laughing, the continuous swearing for the ball. A enjoyed every bit of it. Only once did I gaze up to see on the 1st floor, the same two children being reprimanded by their mother. Maybe for playing in the rain. I smiled. Just then I got the ball and scored. I looked up to celebrate with the smiling unknown people which I had met just an hour ago. I smiled again.

A Genius but a weakling...

Terrified. He was. He looked around. Only smoke. No voices. No movement. No life. Am I in hell, he thought. His pulse raced. Searing hot pain kept him down. Resting on his shoulder, he tried to get up. Stabbing pain shot through his body. Agony. To the maximum. The air was filled with the smell of blood and bile. A hot liquid formed a pool drenching his clothes. A pool of blood. His own.

Voices. No, not voices, shouts, screams, cries. Of people. Injured. Of people. In agony. Of people.Who saw blood for the first time. Of people. Who saw hundreds of limbs scattered around. Of children. Crying. Trying to find their mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters. Of news reporters. Trying to find their breakthrough report. Of cars. Of ambulances. Of fire brigades. Of people. Panicked.

But he heard none. His hearing was damaged beyond repair. The pain was unbearable. He dragged his useless body with his hands. Crawling. Stumbling across rubble. Every time he called out, blood gushed out of his throat. The smoke started to clear. But he still couldn’t see. He didn’t know what happened. His head demanded answers. But who was going to answer them? He looked down to his feet or rather the place where his feet used to be. The flesh had turned black and was oozing a black coloured liquid. Not that it mattered. He had to find his daughter. His seven year old darling. His ‘jhoomar’ as he fondly called her.


He called out again. Sputtering blood. Everywhere. Along with his feet, a part of his lower torso was also gone. Good I had an empty stomach, he mused to himself. “jhoomar!!” No response.


Strong hands gripped him. A stretcher was brought out. He was carried away and his incoherent cries of jhoomar were dismissed as cries of agony. There was nothing left in him. The body drained of blood. Half his flesh burnt. And limbs were a mess of things. There was nothing left in him….except one. The desire to see his daughter alive. To see her safe and in good hands. “jhoomar!”


He looked around to see countless bodies around him in similar or worse conditions.
He calmed himself down. His hands grew cold and blue and he took more than ten minutes to get his wallet out. He took a picture of jhoomar and looked at it for a long time. It was taken in goa when they had gone for their first outing. The sky grew dark, clouds gathered and rain fell, washing the blood of some faces and the sins of others.
It was as if mother nature was crying. The water mixed with blood to form small rivulets.
The blood from people belonging to various castes and religions, from old- young ,men –women, from people who were just having a casual day at karol baug, a few moments ago.

Moments later, a young scout came to the very place with a young girl. The girl was asked to identify her father among the endless bodies lying around. She didn’t take much time. Her picture was lying on a man’s chest. His lower abdomen was severed and he had no feet. But his face bore an expression of peace and calamity. As the rain fell, so did her tears. Not that the body would recognize the tears from the rain, but his soul must have, she hoped.

100 miles away, in a two room apartment, a frightened, pale young man switched on the news.

“….wild spread chaos….hundreds killed…thousands injured….no one claims responsibility….the terrorists’ reign continues…this is anjali sharma reporting from…”
He switched it off. Opened the closet. Saw his prized collection. Loaded it. And held it to his head. There was no hesitation. A pool of blood. Again. His own.


Two blocks away, another man was watching the same news. He smiled. It couldn’t have been better, he thought.
The phone rang.
”he killed himself. I think he couldn’t take it. He committed….”
“forget it. Good that he did it himself. I didn’t want any more bloodbath among us.
He did a wonderful job. No one else could have engineered the blast so well. But he was a weakling. A genius but a weakling. ”

insight into ...........

warning::: long post ahead

I ve been edging myself to write about this topic but there was this unnecessary reluctance in ma mind whether to write it or not since i am, at least nowadays, giving an impression to the reader that i am self centered and pompous by writing about myself..but o well anyways..here goes....

i ve always believed that there are voices inside one s head...to tell you what to do...when...how...etc...to decide things...to distinguish between right and wrong...and more...they re always there...whether ur sleeping or standing or walking or shitting...they never cease...they go on continuously with their blabber ....some of it useful...most of it useless...and surprisingly even when your whole body is down and out...ur back is pleading you to lie down..ur limbs are giving up on you...you just want to forget about everything and rest...even in those times...these voices are there...dominating your course of action...guiding you....directing you...consoling you....reprimanding you....criticizing you...supporting you...ppl like to call them thoughts...or ideas...or opinions ...i call them voices coz at least in my head they er always shouting orders to me....

k...where was i...aah yes...voices...this is not a general view coz i dunno how others head works....am talking solely about my empty 4 into 4 inch container above my neck...there are a million voices in my head...but only a few of them dominate others....and remain...forever,,,,one is the self critic..always tellin me that i ve done something horrible...if not then he s kind enough to tel me what a worthless piece of shit i am...he s the most powerful thing on ma mind...dunno how and to tame him.....the other one is the positive thinker...i cal him the pusher....he s a die hard optimist...always helping supporting...pushing me ahead with all his enthusiasm....these two keep fighting all the time...and i have to sit back and listen to the one who wins....and there is one more....the enlightened one....one who believes that no matter how much i struggle i am going to get what i am destined for and that there is no use struggling as life lays down a path for us to follow.....i find this guy the most stable one but he lacks aggression so ends up on the losing side all the time...these 3 voices form more than 3 quarters of my mind....we discuss...we look...we analyse...and we implement....when there is balance between these 3...i am stable....otherwise...i am a wreck....

now i ll try to give you the most honest insight....on the day my exams got over....scenario....have just reached home....its 9.30 in the night.....lets see whats going through my mind...
characters:::
critic voice::: cv
optimistic voice::: ov
enlightened voice::: ev
...and myself::: me

i just reach home....take my shoes off...just when i am taking the bag off, cv starts with his one liners....

cv:: "before you even try to think about resting your worthless ass on the bed, please try to remember that you have a big decision pending....you have been toying with this for quite some time now and a decision is urgently required as its difficult to do both....cmon...cat or gre...temme quick...."

i grumble ...trying not to pay attention to what cv has just said...but he s already done the damage....and he knows it...
me::: "am trying to get some rest here....i just came home...can i not relax and talk later?"

cv::::"o yes i am so sorry for disturbing your highness as i conveniently forgot what a brilliant paper u wrote today...i agree u totally deserve the rest...."

that stings....goes straight through my heart...shit....i start losing composure once again...just then,,,

ov::: "dont listen to him yug....he s just meant to bring u down...big deal if one ppr didnt go ur way....there will be a million chances later....and u have to learn from this so that u dont repeat the blunders committed before ....u ll never learn if u dont commit mistakes...."

cv:::: "now i see wer he gets his losing nature from....if u constantly live under the blanket of these false assurances yug,, u ll never progress in ur life...be practical...just say that u have become a waste..."

ov:::: "thats not true...try to rem the times wen u wer down and u told ur self that u ll work hard and u did....so pull urself up...your the best...you can u will u must!!!"

cv:::: "ppl here are so good at talking bullshit...."

i really dont know what to do...so i just lie down and close my eyes....unfortunately that doesnt help my situation....these voices get louder,....

cv::: "ok loser...we r moving away from the topic...decide...mba or ms?"

Me:: "i odnt really know..."

cv::: "wow....u do me proud bro....at least i got a pat reply for this question....now i know wat ur confident about...ur confident about the fact that u dont know anything and cant make one straight decision,,,,"


ov::::"lets see...and cv u shut up...yug u can do an mba....cat is difficult i know dat...but u hav the skills and aptitude to crack it..."

cv::: "whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!! there!!!! may i beg to interrupt.....a little status check here....a handful of the aspirants aactly make it to the mba courses....and may i remind u tht cat is one of the toughest exams in the world....and may i refer to wat happened at ur previous try at a really competitive exam? The iit? U sukd dude...u sukd really bad...so think again..."


ov::: "iit was a different issue...there was loads of pressure....mba is much abt aptitude than knowing many things....so there is a difference,...and it can be exploited..."

i dunno y i did this but i mustered some courae to try and open another window of opportunity by mentioning gre....i thot that would silence cv....i needed to outwit him....in vain again....

cv:::: "gre??? oho...the person who stil struggles with errors to write lab programs wants to do masters in computers.....i dont why but that didnt tickle....are you trying to joke....cos tht wasnt funny......accept it ur technically challlenged...."

i was getting irritated....this was one of the times wen cv dominated and ov was at the loss of words...i hated that....this was one of the time i feel low and depressed....but i wasnt gonna let tht happen to me on tht day...at least not on the day the exams end,...so i begged ev to get me out of the situation...ev was listening to the conversation for a long time.....

ev:::: "i think you both need to give yug a little time...its fair of him to think tht his exams are over and he does need rest...therz no use workin ur mind wen it is tired....decisions...these are some things tht we hav to take...but it may be remembered that indecision is also a decision...so it would be foolish to say that i have made this decision...things happen for ppl....same way decisions also ohappen and they are not taken....there wil be an omen tellin u wat ur decidin is incorrect...o sorry...nothin is incorrect...the omen wil tel u whether wat ur decidin is FOR YOU OR NOT....so its pointless thinkin abt it ay and night esply on the day the exams end...it is a time to relax...recouperate....and refreshen ourselves so tht we r natural enough to avoid disruptances in the path of our thinking and our omens....so for now we are not taking this conversation farther and not thinking about it for the time being..."


i smile and open my eyes to see food kept on the table....am still with my socks on and the same clothes on....the clock reads 1 a.m....i get up wash ma face....devour all the food....put the lights off ...and lie down again...closing my eyes...wen slowly as expected....cv starts off again.....

oh shi(f)t ! ! !

hi. exams on. Less time. So no updates.....this was one article i had written on may 10th n i dont have the patience to edit it...

its may 10th. I have roughly 10 days to go for my sem 4 exams (read: death) to commence and here i am. Tired. Bored. Frustrated. (blame it on i.e.m.!!!). even more so because my vivas ended day before yesterday. I need a break but given the situation i am in, its better to start early.

There are some things which i get annoyed at really quickly. One of them is my parents not telling me some things which they should. They think that it will get me thinking into these things and affect me.
Bullshit.

Lately, i had been hearing the 'shift' word a lot in the maa-baap conversations (i tend to accidently eavesdrop sometimes when i am in the kitchen making myself a snack) . The discussion had taken several forms like argument, debate, vociferous declaration and what not. Especially my mom(i guess all moms are like this). I confronted my dad and he told me to mentally prepare myself as we are moving out of the house to a new one by the end of june. Even though i was expecting this, my hands and feet went cold. Now cmon, i ve been living in this house for about 17 years. You dont expect me to be happy to leave it!!

its so bad. Shifting sucks. Dad said that there was a chance that wouldnt happen and i pray so. But its a very thin chance. Might as well forget about it. I ll miss my friends. Goes without saying. But some subtle things have been such a part and parcel of my life that i cant imagine my life without them....

... the daily morning 4 o clock noise of the milk truck.

...the sweet scent of chocolate wrappers in my building lift.

...the awesome sea view from my terrace.

...my early morning jog at the race course.

...smell of horse shit along my way around the race course towards mahalaxmi station everyday.

...the futile wait for bus 124.

...the sweet scent of agarbatti in the passage corridor.(courtesy::neighbour)

...the ganesh visarjan proceedings in my colony every year.

...the broken glass windows of the opposite buildings reminding me of my school days when we used to play cricket and broke those so conveniently(and how the govt has been incapable of repairing them even now!!).

...the empty 8.17 borivali slow everyday.

...sams-the best hajjam in tardeo.

...haji ali juice centre.

...walks along worli sea face.

...troubling couples making out near lala lajpatrai college.

...tnmc ground beside my building..

...the 20 yr old rajdoot(its a bike..dunno whose but it looks awesome!! lol!!)

...difficulty in crossing the 6 lane road at haji ali stretch.

...the 9 to 10 timepass below with friends.

...my room (sob sob!!)

...tardeo book center ( my saviour throughout!!!)

...sardar pav bhaji

...kalpana restaurant

...city bakery

...flora

...sealord

..paschim
(the last 6 are restaurants!!!)

...the every sunday football in lala lajpatrai colg compound

...an isolated place near breach candy

...the irritating tune on opening the lift door

...phoenix mills

...the easy access to town

...THE TAXI!!!!

...the usual 6.5 sec delay of my room tubelight

...my rooms dirty curtains

...throwing water on bhelpuriwala below

...still but unusuallly moving cars, at the back of lala colg quadrangle!!!!(lol)

...worli police swimming pool


,....the list is endless but i wont bore the reader (if any) furthur!!!!!!!

bottomline:: i dont want to shift!!!!!!

Manu.

warning:: long post ahead.....



I was in the 10 th standard at that time. It was in the evening, after schoolthat I was walking towards the bus stop. there was traffic at one spot and to avoid it I decided to walk some distance and catch a bus from the left junction. I took a left and walked humming on a new song..and I saw her.

She was a short, bright child who seemed to be 9or 10 years old though she claimed to be 13. she was sitting below a street lamp with a basket of vegetables in front of her and two books on her lap. That bright angel-like face , her deep dark eyes and her cute little smile………..i can remember till today. She was dressed almost in rags, but she sat with some dignity.

I approached her little ‘shop’. My shadow appeared on her books and she looked up at me. What a sweet little child she was!!!! She smiled and asked me which vegetables she wanted. I didn’t answer.

“ what are you reading?”

“English balbharti”
the cover showed std.5.

“which school do you go to?”

“I don’t go to school. One of the school children was kind enough to give it to me.”

“how do u know to read if u don’t go to school?”

“I went to school for 3 years but dropped out as I couldn’t afford the minimal; fees.”

“is that why you are selling vegetables? To gather enough money to go to school again?”

“no.i am doing this because my father cant sell vegetables today.”

I enquired why.

“because he s drunk again and hitting my mother at home.”

There was no remorse or sadness in her voice. All throughout the conversation her pitch was jovial and happy.

“what is your name?”

“manu.”

I took out my wallet. 45 bucks. 5 to go home. I took 40 bucks and handed it over to her.

She stared at the money and innocently enquired how many vegetables I needed.
“those are for your books. Buy more. Read more.”

Her smile faded. She stood up held her hand in front. she didn’t want the money.
“thank you, but I am not a beggar. I sell to earn money.”

Surprised. I didn’t expect such a reaction.
“I am not treating you as a beggar. Keep it for now.. return it later when you think u can.. for now get more books.”

She clutched at the notes. The reluctance was obvious.
“please give me ur address and tel. No.”
shit. She was adamant.

“you wouldn’t need that. I ll meet you soon.”
Saying that I walked away, not looking back, praying that she wont come up and hand me the money. I I gave her money to console myself . to make me feel that I tried to do at least something for that poor girl. I got into my bus and headed home.


3 years later, I walked down the same lane towards my school to take my passing certificate. The clerk wasn’t there. Disappointed, I was returning to my bus stop when I saw a girl about average height, long hair, looking up to me, smiling. She had grown but I could never forget her innocent, sparkling eyes. Manu.


“you have grown, manu.”

“so have you…come with me.”

A dark middle aged man with grey hair was sitting in his vendor stall. The place was respectable, not shabby.
Manu led me to him, her father, and told him something in a language I couldn’t understand.

The deep lines on his face vanished and he smiled. He got up to his feet and shook my hand. He cleared his throat and said
““
I was of your age when I left my house. My father was a farmer with three sons and I was the youngest. We were a rich content family till the time we brothers started fighting for our share of land. All of us were married. I decided to come to mumbai.

We built a shop and I sold vegetables and fruits. We were quite happy. Then it all happened. In 1993, after the bomb blasts, riots took place and my shop and house were burned down. Everything I had saved for my family went up in flames. After things turned to normal, I had no shop, no savings, no home and a family to look after. I was angry and took up drinking. I used to remove my frustration on my wife sometimes. But we were never starved. I came to know the reason much later .my little girl used to sell vegetables and bring money for my family. When you gave her the money that day, she didn’t buy books. She bought medicines for her mother. I was ashamed of myself.””

He took out a handkerchief and tapped it under his moist eyes.

““
I resolved never to drink again and go back to rebuild my shattered business. It took time but my daughter edged me on. She supported me. And now we are happy and back to how we were.””

He reached out to manu and kissed her on the forehead.

“I know why you told her all that about returning the money and I know ypu wont accept it now.”

He took out the most red apples from his collection, packed them and handed it to me.
“as a token of my thanks to you my child. For helping a poor family.”

I took the bag, shook the man s extended hand. My hand was clammy with sweat .i couldn’t muster enough courage to look at manu again .when I finally did, she was there looking at me smiling her own innocent smile. It reminded me of that evening when I saw her first. Was this the same 10 year old who saved her family? how could a child so young understand so much and carry out such a difficult task all by herself> a shattered family? A drunk father? The time when most children play games and dance around… this child did so much…….


She was 5 years younger to me but I felt she was a hundred times more mature, than me.

I said good bye to manu and walked towards my bus stop. My head was begging me to stop all the thoughts racing through my head. My mind kept me on.

I caught my bus and took the last seat. For the first time in 9 years, I felt my eyes moisten.

hava nahi aa raha hai!!!!

following is one of the most stupidest post i have ever written in my life....read at ur own risk....dont blame me later........i just wanted to try a present tense style of writing ...instead of a normal past tense approach....

time: 5:30 p.m....date...2 days before
commencement of vivas(yes...the 25 marks wala fadu vivas...in which the external
screws ur case)....am trying to study
sitting in college...gogo beside me....i
get bugged and call sinan...
" me: i need your hamachar(yes thats a
reference book dudes...we mu students do
refer ref books at times!!!!)....xerox
karna hai...where are you?
sinan(from now on will be referred as
chodu): ya get the xerox done...am at
bhavans ground with rahul(maddy) and
rohit(jungli)...doing lukkhagiri..hum log
hava khane aaye hain....get it done fast
have to go home...am leaving in 10
mins...."

i have been with chodu long enough to
understand what kind of crazy thoughts go
through his head...and i was pretty sure
this too was his idea..bhavans
ground...???...some stupid way to kil time
and entertain himself....

i hurry(hurrying means walking down aaram
se simultaneously searching for ppl whom i
no so thati can talk and waste more time
over them) to annu xerox and give the book
for photo-copying...on the way back to
college...(actualy bhavans ground)...i meet
ashwathi...i convince her to wait for me
and sinan as i tell her that we r all
leaving for home...i n ashwathi go to
bhavans ground...find junglii maddy n
chodu...sitting on the grass ...in the
middle of the ground....it is odd to see
them there.........3 ppl sitting down...and
no one else there....we walk up to
them....chodu starts off with his weird
face expressions...

" maddy: eh, hava nahi aa raha hai...
chodu: ayega re...patience rakh...
ashwathi:(laughing)
me: what are you ppl doing here?
chodu: hum log hai na(pauses...then makes
a really typical sinan face...the confused
as to what to say wala face)....tp kar rahe
hain...padh padh ke pak gaye....and its so
hot...so hava khane ke liye aaye hain..
....(laughter)........


maddy: eh, hava nahi aa raha hai...
junglii: rona band kar be...ayega..
maddy: nahi aa rha hai be...
ashwathi:(laughs).

the most important thing to notice is what
kind of stupid conversation is going on and
how inadverently we are participating in
it..

..junglii has nothing to do...so he picks a
stone...and aims at maddys shirt pocket...a
really stupid lukkha game commences...of
throwing stones at each other aiming at
each others pockets...everyone actively
participates in the most unique
contest...of throwing the maximumm no. of
stones in your opponents pocket...and am
saying it again and again to irritate the
reader...

...the main thing to be noted here is how
lukkha we are to play such a game , sitting
in the middle of our college ground with 2
days to go for our vivas...

"
me: hey lets go for a jog around the
ground...long time havent done that...
junglii agrees.
maddy: eh main bhaag nahi sakta be,...pagal
hai kya..
junglii: mote sale jog karne ka hai..
...
we start jogging...in a really stupid
way...run around like school children
....make enough noise and halla gulla and
other cheap stuff(courtesy:chodu) to
attract the attention oif the cricket team
thta has come to practice here and not to
mention the old nana nanis(who must be
discussing how the future of our country is
in danger looking at us..)...suddenly chodu
challenges junglii for a sprint....and both
end up panting at their own stupidity/....i
also end up sprinting with maddy only to
realise that i too (along with maddy) am in
no shape to run.........still i beat maddy
at it...(yes victory!)

we again come back to the same spot again
and sit down....and have nothing to talk
about and so we bore each other with trash
talk about how the vivas are going to
be...finally chodu saya that he s not going
home but studying with junglii and
maddy....coa...something which i dont want
to miss...i look at ashwathi and she gives
me the i
ll-kick-ur-ass-if-dont-come-with-me-to-the-
station look....of course she s right...i
make her wait for 30 mins just to tell her
that i am not leaving but studying in
college...i finally tell her to go alone
and i come back with sinan to college to
study...we do 1 chapter and we leave for
home...
...........really stupid post i

know........but i warned you in the

beginning!!!!

awakening!!!!

mike was his name. a brilliant kid at school. one who never came second in his class.. one who was never out-skilled at football, basketball or swimming. one who excelled at all extra-curricular and co-curricular activities throughout his school life... he was perfect..and because of his nature..he wasnt envied at all...everyone used to be happy at his success..perfectionist!!!

as he passed out of school and entered colllege, something happened. mike wasnt the same. he was easily distracted and easy going..not what you would expect from a topper..his acads started to shake..but he recovered just in time....in syjc..he snapped back..not to his best ..but near about same enthusiasm was back...he scored well in his hsc and cet and managed to get into the second best engineering college in mumbai(iit not included in that count!!!!)
..he was satisfied..his parents too...but that was just the beginning.....

semester 1:..he couldnt adjust at all...to the new surroundings..especially the style of studying..so different..so difficult..and time was so less...all thanks to the great mumbai university..who has been screwing careers since god know how many years..sem1 exam and mike was trembling with fear...he did really badly and was worried ....but he cleared all subs...got a bad percentage but cleared..satisfaction again...but he swore to score in the second sem...unfortunately that too didnt happen bacause he got carried away ...3rd sem was a do or die situation for him...little did he realise that it was a do AND die situation...he studied really hard but still managed to suck at the exam.....
..mike was confused..afraid..disgusted..down..low..depressed..everyone had scored...except him..continuously he blamed himself for everything...thinking that its all over..his health started to deteriorate..badly..he thought of himself as someone who just couldnt do anything no matter how hard he tried...his health deteriorated furthur...he took no notice...."y me..y couldnt i .."..he kept ranting this all the time...his friends tried everything to get him out of it...but to no avail..his health was a serious issue now,,,because of lack of sleep and improper diet...he was continuosly puking blood....he went for a checkup and the doc told him that he may be sufferring from cancer...and to carry out some carcinogenic tests....mike heard that but didnt move a muscle...he seriously didnt feel anything..after 2 weeks of tests and regular visits to the doc..the test results were negative..his friends and family were really happy for him...but he still didnt feel anything...because something in him had changed when his doc had told him that he may have cancer..he wasnt scared..he just realised that if he did suffer from it and was going to die a early death..then what would he look back upon his life as? the useless struggle he s been through? the continous cribbing that life is unfair? the eternally depressing thoughts which used to haunt his mind??? the hell-ranting suicidal tendencies??? what was he going to look back upon???...
...that day itself, mike had changed...even before the test results came...he was this happy jolly person...he stil has a long way to go...he stil has to work hard..he s stil in a bad position as far as acads are concerned..but hes not depressed..and i hope he succeeds this time...cause if he does then he ll carry this attitude throughout his life"".....

life is a journey...you cant stop in between saying that i didnt get what i want...look around you...not everyone has got what they want...it may even be possible that they have got and you havent.but that s their destiny not yours..you didnt get it because it wasnt meant for you...it wasnt YOURS. destiny is fixed for everyone. it lays down a path for us to follow. we follow it not knowing what the outcome may be..thats the fun of it...that is life..if everyone knew what they were going to be in the future, then whats the point? we are al groping in the dark trying to find our destinies..in the process if one can remain happy..he lives a good life..if he doesnt then stil he gets wat hes destined to but leads a very depressing life..
so the next time you are low..think of it as a sin...nothing is as imporatant as your soul..you cant trouble it...its priceless...happiness is not an achievement...it never was..it has become an achievement...when you were small did u need a reason to be happy? u were always happy n someone had to make you sad to change your state of mind....now someoene has to make you happy..what a bad transformation..there is still time...change yourself...it ll take some time but its not difficult...work hard but at the end dont crib if you dont get something,,accept it....remember this--
" PEOPLE SAY WHATEVER HAPPENS IS FOR THE GOOD..BULLSHIT..REFRAME IT...
WHATEVER HAPPENS ..IT IS MINE!...AND I AM PROUD OF IT NO MATTER WHAT..."

people will talk as they always do...like i said their job is to talk...about others...dont listen to them..do what you think is right..and care a fuck...always...

look up to yourself...its the most important thing..live for the moment..rape the past fuck the future...one of them you cant change and the other you dont know...at this moment i am writing all this bullshit and thats all i am thinking about...
and b positive!
amen!!!!!

arsenal...........again!

out of the f.a. cup.........out of the champions league..........and 5 draws and a loss in the premier league...leaves arsenal with nothing left to fight for........its sad to see a tired , injured , low-on-bench strength arsenal sqad line up against filthy rich clubs with so many signings....still we play the best football ...call me a hopeless gunner.....but i still believe in flair.........and arsenal plays that best..........whatever u say.....no one can steal that from the young gunners...so many things happened this season.cant forget the tackle on eduardo...god bless you man......hope to see you running again..."the beautiful game isnt so beautiful after all",.. eh pratap? but i can still hear manutd supporters shouting last season that arsenal is going to land up in bottom leg of the table....screw u guys...anyways..best of luck gunners.!

(am sorry mr. wenger but i still fail to understand y u play senderos...it really makes all arsenal supporters go red faced..!!! )