the resurgence

No more

2011-05-31T10:28:00.001-07:00

A small coin rolled off the surface of the base of the hangar, twirling around slowly as its weight started giving way, and finally came to a halt. The dust settled on the floor served as an obstruction to its path. No one looked up. The soldier stood straight in an upright position, being a person who is accustomed to the stiffness of the official uniform. He stood there motionless with a dead blank expression on his
face. The mechanic went about his work, his tired oil soaked hands gnawing at the bunch of wires and soiled manuals. The hangar was cold and smelled of stale air, sweat and gasoline. As each of the F/A-22 Raptors landed, a strong burst of air filled the runway, though it was reduced to a trickle on reaching the hangar, managing to ruffle some of the rotten dust.

The soldier craned his neck to see the woman’s reaction on dropping the coin, whom he had been ordered to accompany to base. Her expression was blank and listless, as she stared at the motionless coin for a long time. Her crossed legs were thin, her hands were small, yet her stature showed strength. She supported herself on her palms, which were glued to the bench. Her eyes closed for a moment, as some strands of her hair fell on her face. She rose slowly, without a hint of a sound, as her red rimmed
kajal stained eyes glistened brightly in the sidelight. Her pace was fast and her walk elegant, but her hands trembled. Her eyes spoke of fear, of guilt. She bent down to retrace the coin and put it in her front pocket. “Front pockets on such dresses? Tch tch,” he used to say. She smiled at the thought of him, as a slow tear made its way down.

She began her slow walk back to the staging area. Soldiers, hangarmen and guards shifted uncomfortably in their positions making their nervousness evident at the sight of a woman. She didn’t care. She strolled freely, with a womanly grace, her soft elegant strides landing on the heavily paved marble. She unknowingly ignored the stares, as she thought of one man. The man whom she had spent years with, a man who could make her smile in the worst of situations, one who could do anything to
see her happy. A man who cared about her more than his life. A man whom she was going to disappoint. She had told everyone to stay shut. She wanted to tell him himself. She trembled at the thought as it persisted in her head.

Dust and gravel filled the air as another Raptor landed. A dark, six foot, heavily built man climbed down the co-pilot’s cockpit. He removed his helmet and marched down to the staging area. The soldier saluted him and escorted him to his cabin, where his lady visitor stood waiting.

He entered the cabin and she turned to face him. He smiled jovially, and wiped the sweat of his brow. She returned the smile, trying to remain calm. He looked straight into her deep dark frightened eyes, her red rimmed tear ridden eyes. He dropped his helmet and walked up to her. Her legs gave way as she slumped against his heavy frame, as he held her and comforted her. Tears streamed down her face, as he looked at her, confused. He did not demand an explanation, nor did he worry about her. He just looked at her with a calm expression on his face, patiently waiting for her to tell him what happened. His eyes quivered as he wondered what it could be. She politely distanced herself from him, looked down and whispered, her voice croaking , trying to overcome the lump in her throat.

“Papa, Ma is no more.”

“Thank you , brother.”

2010-07-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

“NSG-010 this is Team1 we have two suspects, one on the top left roof covered by NSG990 and another on the balcony opposite the entrance, he has some sort of device in his hands, exact confirmation latitude 93.74 and longi..”…the trained heavily built sniper quivered in his continuation. It had been a long day, with buildings being blown up, riots and chaos. And the final call had come on the State building, Intel reported. The dust had settled down, the bullet ridden gravel filled the air and the rotting smell of blood loomed over the smoke filled afternoon. The sniper shifted his weight and suddenly gave a start. He was looking through his snipe vision, zooming in on his target. And something about the suspect caught his attention. The black and green bandana on his forehead. The one which he remembered very well. It wasn’t a symbol of any religious group, neither was it a signal for any destruction. It was just a sign of determination, a strong will, when you are about to do something big, something which could change things the way they are. Something for the good of mankind. He knew only person who had that bandana, a person he knew very well.

“team1, sniper 04, this is NSG010, you are authorized to engage, no exceptions, clean all suspects, the state building is rigged with explosives from the inside, they are waiting with the trigger for the auspicious moment, I repeat, you are authorized to engage!!”

Sniper 04 struggled to catch his breath. The person he was looking through his lens was the same person he had shared everything with in his childhood. The biggest disappointments, the happiest times, the tears, the laughter. He looked at the calm, serene face covered partly with the bandana and his hands holding up a small device as if it was an offering to God. The sniper rifle was shaking in 04 ‘ s hand. The cross air pointed to the man ‘s upper chest. Suddenly the world went quiet. There were no barking orders from the radio, no sound of the NSG choppers, no gun shots, no cries. Nothing. Everything stood still. He placed his hand around the trigger. He remembered the rose sherbet and mutton biryani during eid, he remembered asking his friend’s father for his ‘eidi’, he remembered taking him home for ganpati celebrations, lighting fire crackers with him. He remembered his pass during the final of the football tournament, which he had successfully netted in. He remembered slapping him after he tried his first cigarette. And the same person, the same friend, the same old comrade stood in line with his sniper rifle.
“what have you done, Komail, what have you done..”

The plan had worked perfectly till now, Komail thought as he adjusted his bandana. Till now. The voice he heard on the system was one he could not forget. The tapping had worked, all NSG radio communications were audible to him. He wished they were not. For he knew who sniper 04 was, along with his location. And he knew that his best friend was on the other side ready to put a 5.45 inch bullet in his chest. He had to make a decision. Komail could press the device, walk out unscathed. But he was also aware of the time lag, even after direct orders from NSG, sniper 04 had not fired his rifle. More NSG commandos appeared at the base of the building, evacuating people. Innocent people. People with families and small children. Tears began to form at the corner of his eyes. Not because he was going to kill a hundred other people, but even when about to do so, his friend would not fire. He looked up at latitude 93.74 and longitude 65.39 on his laptop. And found the location. He was right in front of him. “why wouldn’t you shoot me…it would make this easier…!” The detonator trembled in his hands, his conscience torturing him from within. Why would he have to make this decision, he asked God, why wouldn’t fate decide this for him. His hands were clammy with sweat, as he closed his eyes again. It was time. “I am sorry, brother.”

The base of the building erupted into a frenzy of smoke and gravel, as shouts and cries of horror filled the air. Windows shattered, foundations crumbled as the peoples’ muffled cries for help were drowned. The structure collapsed slowly, as sirens blared. Among everything, the chaos, one man smiled. The man with the green and black bandana. Komail. He smiled again as he looked down at his hand cupping his chest, warm blood oozing out of it. He slumped onto the floor. The smile remained as life drained out of him. “Thank you , brother.”

An Answer

2010-04-18T01:06:00.000-07:00

I look at the sky, with a genuine smile,
A God i try to find,
Grateful i am, I wish to thank,
But the sun downs me blind.

Just when you feel that things have changed,
And things have become better,
A certain action, a small event,
And everything returns to my gutter.

The mind is like a gutter i feel,
It takes in good and bad,
But inside itself it mixes the two,
And overflows the bad i had.

It would take years for me to clean my mind,
As the drainage never would stop,
And one small 26/7 in the mind,
It would promptly return to the top.

So i wish for answers from God himself,
Why cant i maintain my state of mind?
Small things distort my calmness,
And happiness is hard to find.

As i walked these thoughts, across the street
A child I found, below a street lamp,
Tattered, used books lay around him,
It was his studying camp.

He rocked a rhythm as he recited a poem,
A test he had the day after tomorrow,
Twinkled eyes, toothless grin,
I walked to hide my sorrow.

In a bus I sat and over heard,
A conversation between women,
One of them sobbed uncontrollably,
For her son had done the unforgiven.

He was a good chap, she said
For among the best he was, she wept,
But the fear of failure and performance got too much,
And he took the drastic step.

Returning home, I opened the newspaper,
Another 'chamcha' of a politician, he was
Enthralled and enraged and ignited by his speeches, he was
And thrown in the lock up, he was

On television too, a news was broadcast,
Of a soldier captive behind enemy line,
Being tortured and grilled for information,
His body rotting in blood and slime.

He keeps calm and shut for us,
For us, the ignorant fools,
And if he does get released, he would say
That he was just following the rules.

After these incidents,
I look up at the sky again,
The shining sun had disappeared in dark clouds,
It seems that it would rain again.

God did answer my questions, i feel
As i complained about my emotional trouble,
He showed me people with more difficult times,
And who had more to grumble.

But they didn't grumble at all, He showed me
They smiled their toothless grins,
They sobbed but fought their sorrows,
they were ignorant, but remained fearless,
They were betrayed, but upheld their valour and tolerance.

I looked up and prayed to God, to destiny, to nature, to life
I prayed for the ones i cared for,
But i prayed more for the ones in need,
Cos they really needed more.

And I didn't pray for myself at all,
Like I started off to try,
As one stops thinking about himself, he realises
The 'we' sounds better than 'I'.

Trip Diaries: Excerpts

2010-04-02T09:49:00.001-07:00

Rhythmic , soft thuds, two at a time. I knew of maddys descent before I looked up. He did so, adjusting his camera to check its working status. Chirag followed suit in almost similar fashion as I drained the sand out of my slippers. We followed a path that led us behind our rented bunglow, a path laden with white sand and shells, with small bushes and coconut trees along the sidelines, the bushes opening up to show another unused rocky path. Maddy was immediately at work, capturing each picture with utmost promptness. I strayed away from the two, engulfing the aura of the surroundings slowly. The breeze blew steadily, our t-shirts held on tightly to our bodies as the soft salty air blew sand across our faces. We didn’t flinch, enjoying every bit of it. The coconut trees swayed playfully over us as we followed the rocky path, draining the sand from our feet occasionally. As we went past the bushes, the wind got saltier and stronger. I took a moment to look around. It was around 4 p.m. with the sun beginning its descent into the sea. The sand was warm but the breeze was cool and strong and superseded the heat of the sun. a long unused fisherman’s boat lay there shredded across a couple of huge rocks. The sand was white and soft. There was no one else on the beach. The sea looked peaceful and infinite as I tried to follow my eyes to the horizon. I didn’t feel like moving or making a noise or doing anything for that matter. I just stood there surrendering myself to the deafening silence of the sea perturbed occasionally by the sound of the birds. It may have been nothing less than the carribeans. As I resumed my slow walk towards the sea, I raised my hands over my shoulders. It felt divine. It was one of those moments which on observing encourage a head up eyes down expression, with a still face and calm smiling eyes.
The games had begun. After a quick session of beach football, rohit tried to match the strength of the waves with his own strokes. Amey tried to combat the waves aschirag kept getting knocked left right and center. Hansil, maddy and I were at our nonsensical best making stupid sounds and tripping over the waves. Rohan was the fastest among us and sachin complained of being allergic to sea water to which we were very ‘obliging’. Anup went hysterical. Bret had not joined us by that time and sinan conveniently missed out as he was busy digesting his excretion in his dreams in the room. Volleyball, sakhli, beachball and countless chutyagiri followed. It was a pleasurable sight- a mixture of people whom I knew extremely well, who formed an important part of my life and people I was getting to know. That’s the best part about a trip. A small photo session later, exhaustion took over us as we returned to the shore just at the point where the water ceased. We lay down on our backs and elbows, the slow waves washing the deposited sand on our legs, as we watched the sun set over the horizon.

We returned to our rooms but couldn’t have less of the place and were back at the beach after dinner. There wasn’t a single light bulb on the beach. But there was a full moon. An hour of kabaddi and everyone was down with aching backs and legs. As we lay down gazing up at the moon lit sky trying to count the stars, I thought about some things and had my own little introspection. All I craved for was a book and a pen. “this is what life should be like”, I thought childishly.

A Letter

2010-02-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

I wouldn’t want to start this letter with a ‘dear sir/madam’ for I dont find the title worth for you. It must have been some great hurry that right after the incident you didn’t stop even for a few minutes to see if everything was fine. Probably, the optimistic side of me would want to believe that you are a doctor or someone of that league acting on an emergency or to ease someone ‘s pain. Maybe hurrying to help a woman in labour. Maybe that’s why you didn’t stop after hearing the surprised yelp. You knew I was hit. There’s no doubt about that as I fell ahead rolling beside your car. Your reflexes were good, because soon after I heard the screeching of the brakes, I heard the engine rev up and the car speed down the road before I could blink twice after opening my eyes. I know you must have stopped for a split second, swallowing a lump of guilt that you have done something horrible and could not muster enough courage to face the consequences of what you had done. Even though I have not seen you, I know, if you are a normal human being, you would have felt that horrible feeling at the pit of your stomach and I hope it gives you those goose bumps forever which you have so righteously earned. The worst part would be to not know whether I lived or died and you will have to live with that uncertainty. I guess that may be your punishment and my consolation.
So the next time you speed down the wrong side of the road trying to hit the speedometer ,think again.
It won’t be another twenty one year old guy. Maybe it would be a six year old boy on his new bicycle. Or a small girl walking her dog. Or an old man buying medicines. Or a pregnant woman trying to cross the road. Imagine the guilt involving a hit and run with them. I don’t know what I would do if I come to know who you are ,eventually. But I do pray that nothing like this happens to anyone else. I can’t think of a way to end this letter but I do hope, if you are reading, you realize that I wrote this letter in the most polite way possible.
P.S: if you still don’t get what I want to convey then here is a sum up: BALLS TO YOU BASTARD. MAY YOU ROT IN HELL.

The Pursuit Of Happyness

2009-09-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a really long time since I addressed my fellow readers in first person. I usually take other way-outs like assuming fictitious characters (mike), descriptive writing, and other means. But this time I want to address my friends in first person because for the very first time I am speaking my mind off entirely.

The Pursuit Of Happyness. The most wonderful movie ever made. Not only because of will smith. But because of what it showed and how much it appealed to me. Here are some of the quotes which I had remembered.
...........................................

Christopher Gardner: I met my father for the first time when I was 28 years old. I made up my mind that when I had children, my children were going to know who their father was.

………………………………………………………………………………..
Christopher Gardner: [about the spelling mistakes in the graffiti of a building] It's not H-A-P-P-Y-N-E-S-S Happiness is spelled with an "I" instead of a "Y"
Christopher: Oh, okay. Is "Fuck" spelled right?
Christopher Gardner: Um, yes. "Fuck" is spelled right but you shouldn't use that word.
Christopher: Why? What's it mean?
Christopher Gardner: It's, um, an adult word used to express anger and, uh, other things. But it's an adult word. It's spelled right, but don't use it.

.......................................
Christopher Gardner: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Christopher Gardner: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

………………………………………………………………………………

Christopher Gardner: It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

…………………………………………………………………………………..

Sometimes these quotes are very thought provoking for my idle mind, for example today, when I should be giving a mock Cat prep test, or working on my b.e. project, or doing something innovative for my mothers birthday. But no. my mind wanders into emptiness, dives further into so called philosophical tides seeking solace and explanations. Explanations to thoughts that are vague, confused and philosophically bound which my mind does not accept because it doesn’t know if they are true.

Happiness. Dictionary says it a state of your mind when you feel satisfied or content. Now this is untrue. I mean satisfaction or being content is usually attached to things or people. Most of the times these words are used as ‘satisfied’ on doing something and ‘content’ on having something. Then it makes sense because we have then defined happiness as an achievement rather than a state of mind. And it has become an achievement for me. If I get something which I wanted or if I do something satisfactorily which was supposed to be done by me, then I am happy. That means if I don’t get what I want or if I don’t do things am I supposed to remain unhappy? Why has it come down to this? Did you ever see a small child being unhappy ? he or she is always happy. He or she is happy on just ‘being’. Not because of anything. Just because he is there. Just because he can run with the small feet of his. Just because anything can bring a smile to his face. He doesn’t need anything to be happy. He is happy just like that. Something has to make him sad. Considering my case, something has to make me happy. What a sad transformation. Life is a journey. Not a destination. Destiny says you should be happy at all stages of your life. Because you are bound to get what you are destined to. Whatever may happen. Just do today’s work sincerely. If one remains happy and goes about his work he is bound to get what he is destined to. If one remains unhappy throughout his life, his thoughts plagued with analysis and self doubt and anxiety, he still gets what he is destined to but lives a horrible life. In the end he is left cursing his past ; why he didn’t live his life to the full. In this world the focus is so much on doing something that we tend to forget to give time to ourselves. We often say, “I’ ll achieve this then I ll be secure, then I ll be happy”. The happiness gets postponed towards achieving our goals. Am not saying that is a bad thing to go out and make one’s place in this world. But at what cost? Is it really worth to earn millions and then run around ashrams and astha and sanskar channels to have inner peace? There must be something wrong somewhere.

Happiness is a state to be perennially maintained. It is not to be related to achievements. Do what you have to, go and achieve what you want to, but be happy regardless of everything. Come what may, nothing is worth troubling your soul. It is priceless.

So when we look at the last quote which I wrote; did u forget already? I ll reapeat it for you:

Christopher Gardner: It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

Then you know why I found it thought provoking. Pursuit of happiness. Maybe they perceived happiness in a different way to what I portrayed it above. And the whole movie, though brilliant, talks about how he struggled and got over his problems by sheer hard work and determination. How happiness is not a journey but a destination. That he postpones happiness in pursuit of his goal to be a stock broker (cant actually be harsh on him , considering his financial status). Only pursue happiness and never actually have it. Is that so?

I would go on and on because my mind never rests. But I think this is enough for now. Thank you Mr. Steve Conrad for the Pursuit of Happyness. It really appealed a lot to me. Thank you Will Smith. I am not a movie buff but I have never missed any of your movies.

The First Day

2009-08-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

Decorative lights. Sticker tape. Extension cords and multi-plugs. Switched off fans. Gamlas. Saffron aasans. Thermocol, pins and blow paint. Stained red hands and nails. Mother running around. Tall silver and golden samais. Seven and nine flame diyas. Ghee and cotton diyas. Liquid ghee. Raw ghee. Burnt ghee. Sparkling floors. Perfumed smoke. Aggarbattis. Ashes of aggarbattis. Flowers. Wet flowers. Fresh flowers. Orange. Yellow. Hibiscus. Rose petals. Wet rose petals. Tulsi. Durva. Garlands. Crumpled fresh green leaves. Burnt matchsticks. Mother's soft experienced hands. Long, difficult sanskrit words. My stammering voice. Panchamrut. Dahi. Water. Stained with kumkum. Camphor. Raw peculiar smell. Burning camphor. Black outline of its flame mixing wholeheartedly with the aggarbattis' white perfumed smoke. Bronze thalis, mugs, vessels. Mango leaves. Kalash. Coconut shavings. Raw coconut. Sweet water. Silver glasses with water and rose petals. Strewn rice grains. Gold plated wide aggarbatti stands. Apples. Kumkum stained sweet lemons. Raised saffron platforms. More durva. Murti. Sanshtaang namaskar. Burnt hair while holding aarti. Growling , hungry stomach. Kheer. Hot, sweet aromas. Paining shoulders on rotating aarti for long. Rainy weather. Loudspeakers. Sweet, sticky , kumkum stained hands. Open doors. People. Smiles. Blessings. The wait for lunch. Happy Ganeshutsav!

The other side

2009-08-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

They say I am on the wrong side of the road. That I can't see the cars coming from behind and i may get hurt. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side on the train. If I have to get down at dadar i need to be on the other side. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side of 60. That I may have to go the extra mile to get placed. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if I am not studying enough. That I ll have trouble later in my life. That I won't be successful enough to be satisfied. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if I plan my life. That it is wrong to bound oneself to what he or she has to do and keep bothering oneself. That it is insignificant. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if I am confused about things. That my confusion won't get me anywhere. And it will bother me as a habit for the rest of my life. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if worry about things. That no one has seen what the future holds for him. So there is no point in getting anxious about things you are not sure to be yours. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if i do anything anti-social. Even if it is the smallest of things. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side if I can't decide. That I over analyse things which makes me difficult to choose. And that choice is something that is not worth the thinking. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say i am on the wrong side if I underestimate myself. If I feel that I am not strong enough. That I have all what it takes to be the one I want in this world, but I just don't know it yet. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am wrong when I am silently diplomatic. That I should be straightforward. That I should say what I feel. I listen. And still keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side when I smile too less. Life is a gift , they say and that I have a better life than most people. I listen. And keep quiet.

They say I am on the wrong side when I think too much. That once I get rid of this habit,I ll be the happiest person in the world. I listen. And i keep quiet.

They say a lot of things. Most of it registers. Some of it doesn't. But none can be ignored. Why? Because they have said it.

They say a lot of things. About the wrong side. They say as if they know. What it is to be on the wrong side. To come to think of it, there is no wrong side. Its just the other side. Which they don't know. Or they don't want to know. Maybe because the front side guarantees a lot of good things. And the wrong side does not. May be they are just scared to explore. May be they want a simple normal life where you sit back in a recliner chair many years from now to think about how nice (read dull and monotonous) his your life was. May be that is a good thing. I don't know. Its just that it is not to be looked as right or wrong. Its just what is yours what is not yours.

They say a lot of things. Their saying does not affect me. It is a matter of choice. If I take it in, then it registers and I get affected. For example, suppose if some relative of yours passes away at 3 p.m. You get the news at 8 p.m. When you get the news, you are affected. That is not because of the relative dying. Because the person died at 3. If that was to make you unhappy you should have been unhappy at 3. But you were not. So there you had a choice of talking it in or just being yourself. And you unconsciously take the choice of being sad. You had another choice of being the same. Any ways, that was just an example.

They say a lot of things. They say I write long posts. May be I should listen to them and cut this one abruptly. Or maybe i just need therapy. :)

A Subtle contact

2009-08-14T01:33:00.000-07:00

He was on the ground. Face down, his nose buried deep in the damp mud. It smelled of crumpled grass, moist stones and fresh sweat. He lay there not sure if he should get up for spasms of pain were racing their way to his head from the epicenter of the injury, his knee. A deliberate planned tackle. A whistle was heard. He looked up, supporting his body on his palms and turned around. The sun was at his maximum, laughing at him over his shoulder and beating the heat upon his neck. He closed a hand around the knee and began to wipe the small, firm streaks of blood oozing out of the wound. I could have scored this one, he thought. He picturised himself just a moment ago going solo with a defender and the next moment he was down. The tackle was uncalled for and brutal. The culprit stood with his hands on his hips, with his body totally covering the referee's as he was sent off the field. A free kick. So close. He got up and stretched. The pain seemed to lesses but was present as a continual reminder. As the ball was placed, the coach looked on hopefully. Clifton was going to take it. The injured forward turned his head. He looked at Clifton and smiled. Clifton smiled back. They knew what they were going to do. This was their chance. He pulled is stockings up and tightened his laces. The stockings were looking discoloured with the blood around them. It did not matter. Now was the time. Now was the chance. As Clifton readied himself, he took his stance. No one would suspect him to do it. Only clifton knew as they had practised this for months. He saw Paneerwala his eyes wide in anticipation. He saw vinesh frantically trying to get away from the opposition defender. He smiled. As the whistle blew, he ran blindly towards the far post. The moment it left Clifton's foot everyone knew where it was going to go. It was flat and low and was racing to the place towards the far post. He ran his normal pace but felt as if the ball would somehow miss him. Maybe he was weakened by the fall or Clifton fired a little too much into it. He ran putting every ounce of energy there in him. And dived, the edge of his foot making contact with the ball. A small subtle contact. The ball went faster and higher than expected and hit the crossbar on the lower side, but went in. He didn't wait to see that. He was in a world of his own, racing away. Gone was the pain of the injury, the worry of the championship, the innumerable fouls, tackles and abuses of the game. He ran along with Clifton, jumping, celebrating as his other team mates gathered. They laughed effortlessly, like small children, their shirts soaked, but their eyes shining. The final whistle sounded as they ran over the edge of the stretch, spraying each other with water. The coach smiled and let them be. He came upto the coach and gave him a hug. The sweat and dirt didn't matter. Someone was proud today and it showed. Maybe this is what it feels like to be God, he thought. And closed his eyes as vinesh emptied another bottle of water on his head.

p.s.: I miss school days! (sob sob)!!

A Conversation

2009-07-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

(I keep my views about sensitive and controversial topics to myself. So these are not my opinions, nor a collection of my ideas put together in a fictional way. This is something which really happened which i would like to share. none of this is adapted or edited. Whatever i remebered perfectly, i have put it up. Dialogues which were hazy in memory i didn't refer to them at all.)

It was sometime in sem 4. Passport renewal. I had already gone through the irritatingly painful paperwork process. Once that is done, the centre sends a police constable to your place for address confirmation. And you have to accompany him back to the head office for a signature. Being a lawyer's son, I was not new to policemen and had a few typical images of them. One is potbellied with a huge black moustache(which is too black for his age) almost covering his upper lip, with remnants of red of paan reeking from the corner of his mouth, one who has a regular need to spit or clean his nose loudly(or both) every 4.5 minutes. Other image is of tall Herculean giants, eyes bloodshot because of either excess of night duties or excess of liquor or both. Their smiles are false and timid, the latter expression is uncomfortable for them to sustain. But they are scared of layers. They have always been so. I couldn't figure out why. So i was taken aback by the constable who appeared very different from the versions of cops which I had in mind. Tall, slender, formally dressed with a pair of intelligent, alert eyes. He didn't smile and that expression deviod of it was genuine. He spoke good English, though not fluent. He accompanied me to the office, got the work done and insisted on accompanying me home. We shared a cab and the cab driver immediately struck a conversation with him. i took the back seat and buried myself in a book.

Cab driver:: Kya jamana aa gaya hai...
Constable ::Haan? Kya hua?

Cab driver::Hisdustani hi Hindustani ke khilaf ho gaya hai...
Constable ::(an a typical way) Kya baat kar raha hai be??

Cab driver:: Aapne suna nahi? Raj Thakerey ke logon ne 2 bhaiyyon ko bahut peeta. Kyun? Kya guna kiya unhonien? Kya kaam karna paap hai? Paisa kamana paap hai?

Constable ::(voice rising) tu bol raha hai ke maine suna nahi? abey chutiye, mein udhar duty pe tha. Udhar bhaiyyon ko daraya dhamkaya, mara nahin. Kahani banane mein mashur hote ho tum log. tum logon se hone se hum marathi logon ko khana, paani nahi milta. naukri nahi milti. Aur ab tum log mumbai mein apne vote sabha bana rahe ho? yeh galat hai. tum log aayo, paisa kamao. lekin hum logon par raj mat karo.

Cab driver::(Realising that he is talking to a policeman...the quivering of his voice was evident)...par bhai sahab, hame Patna mein koi kaam nahi milta. Mera chota bhai engineer hai. 2500 mahine ka kamata hai. Yeh bhi koi kamai hai? Usse acha mein Bambai mein idhar taxi chala leta hoon. Kam se kam parivar ko roti toh milti hai. (The driver smiled. A false meek smile) Amrika jate hai na log apne. Unko woh log kahan kuch bolte hain?

I looked up. The conversation was much more interesitng than the book. I looked at the constable, half expecting him to be furious, half sympathetic. I failed to find any emotion.

Constable :: Hamare log Amrika jaakar apne hi dal ya sanghatan nahi banate. Udhar jaakar paisa kamate hain. Kabza nahi karte unpar jaise tum log kar rahe ho. Tum log toh mumbai aakar apne vote ke dal bana rahe ho. Sabha aur municipality mein apne hi logon ko khada kar rahe ho. Aur sunayun? Railway aur B.E.S.T. ke naukriyon ke sabhi applications Patna aur U.P. bheje ja rahe hain. Jab ki mumbai ke logon ko uske bare mein jaankari hi nahi hai. Matlab woh sabhi naukriyan khali tum logon ko hogi. Hum ko toh application ke forms bhi nahi diye gaye. Yeh Kya hai? idhar ke naukriyan aur sirf unke liye? Hum kya idhar tamasha dekhte rahein?

(The taxi surged forward. I was waiting for the driver's reaction. It came after a long time and it changed the course of the conversation.)

Cab driver:: Bhai sahab (cough cough...ahem ahem...clears throat loudly and spits) hum akhir hai kaun? Hindu hi hai na? Lekin yeh log to hinduon mein hi khagda laga rahe hain. Hindu ko Hindu se hi alag kar rahe hain.

(I stared fixedly at him and turned to look at the mirror. I didn't realise that my eyebrows were raised in surprise. The constable's face was a shade redder and the previous expression had undergone a complete makeover)

Constable :: (as if realisation struck him) Arre haan, barabar bola. Musalmaan logon ki 18 jaati hoti hai. Koi shaadi ke liye doosre jaat ko beti nahi deta. Lekin kisi ek musalman ko chua toh sab ek hokar aate hain.

Cab driver:: (Pleased with himself) Aur hindu kabhi ek nahi hote. Upar se marathi aur bhaiyye jhagadte hain. Agar yeh badta gaya ko musalmaan log toh hame kuchal ke rakh denge. for bhi mujhe lagta hai ki bhaikyyon se jyada asli target musalmaan hai...."

I watched and listened with horror and amusement at the same time at how the conversation changed and progressed. They talked as if they were comrades of a long lost war and had been reunited. Gone were the maratha-bhaiyya arguments, they discussed their ancestors fights and battles. I just sat there listening, a silent anger rising. I went home, slumped into a chair, thoughtful. Religious tolerance. Secularism. Sigh.

A Disappointed Smile

2009-05-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

A labourer stands alone, fatigued with work and pain,
A ruthless master implies no more gain,

He begs for more, just a little bit more,
Receives lashes till his back is sore,

He returns home, hopeful eyes stare at him for a while,
He shakes his head with a disappointed smile.

A doctor he is, tired and exhausted,
Stares at the next patient having his blood clotted,

He works twenty hours without a break,
So many commitments he failed to make,

As his next patient retches blood and bile,
He takes him in with a disappointed smile.

A soldier he is, stands tall and upright,
And feels proud of the army’s might,

But the person controlling him, he knows,
No ethics, no righteousness, after money he goes,

The soldier feels betrayed as he marches another mile,
He looks up at the flag with a disappointed smile.

A journalist he is, strong and bold,
To the worlds wrongs his attitude is cold,

He travels and writes about the wrongs in this world,
Of the people and places of high ranks, laurels and low morals,

But as he stands and stares at his rejected file,
His cold eyes do not connect to his disappointed smile.

A student he is, a frustrated engineering one,
Three years into it and wondering what he has done,

A lot of thoughts cloud his mind,
A small voice saying that everything will be fine,

He sees his friends, in the rain, play,
Their faces and limbs covered with mud and clay,

He stands there watching, the wind teasing his hair,
He tries to fake a impassive stare,

He closes his eyes, letting the tension pile,
He looks up and wears a disappointed smile.

The Cold Shoulder

2009-05-21T02:32:00.000-07:00

I stood there in front of them, staring,
Both engrossed in each others caring,

I stood there watching, my fastest friend he was,
The one who taught me that friendship had no clause,

They stared at each other and smiled at each word,
While I just stood there waiting and bored,

I looked up, looked down, to find someone I tried,
And kept shifting my weight to the other side,

I wish then, there was someone beside me right,
With whom I could share my miserable plight,

I waited and waited, it seemed like months and days,
For him to come around in his original ways,

I always thought that changes were inevitable,
But never imagined they could be so pitiable,

I thought he would come by, at least when I was in trouble,
But I guess it was hard for him to break that bubble,

I waited a lot and I waited some more,
But inside I was hurt by what he had done many times before,

But I realized it was my mistake, that I expected things from him,
Cos he wasn’t the best of them, for he was always so serious and grim,

I smiled , shrugged, and turned around to go back,
The girl noticed and she called back,

It mattered none to him as I stared at him colder,
For I knew what I had got from him...the cold shoulder.

Random pictures

2009-04-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

Am not much of a photoblogger like pratap is..but just felt like updating some random pictures....
Lab 133...our adda for 2 years!!

live a dogs life they say...all they know to do is sleep eat and screw....and take free local train rides...i caught this one at andheri...got unto a churchgate slow...and got down at santacruz...interesting if not funny!!

My messed up "study" table

still life...(just a glass of water dont look too much into it)

My brother karan with a friend of his on a goan beach...i loved this pic the most!! (for those who watch dragonball z its KAMEHAHMEHAAH!!! :))

Speed

2009-04-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

I love my bike. A lot. Maybe more than a lot of people in this world. This is the closest I can get to being materialistic. But all of us who own a bike would agree. It’s different.

She helps me a lot. My unicorn 150. whenever I am stressed, or depressed or just plain confused. I feel like for a long ride. On the highway. I have to then cut down other costs which are obviously directed towards fuel. But that’s ok.

There was no one at home that night. The air was still and there was no unnecessary breeze. It was 1 a.m. and the neighbours were asleep as well. Not a sound. Perfect. I went down, tied pieces of torn cloth to the grip handle. Increased the revolutions per minute by 1000 rpm. (it can be done by loosening a small screw located to the right, just near the engine where the kick start pedal ends.) I got on top and kicked. Unicorns don’ t make any noise but in that uncomfortable silence of the night in the parking lot, it seemed to roar. I killed the engine. Lights. Check. Rear brake. Check. Disc brake. Check. Dippers. Check. Indicators. Check. Mirror positioning. Check. Fuel on. Check. Fuel level. Check. All set. Ready to go.

Kick. Raw rumbling sound of the engine. Clutch. Gear pedal down. Gear 1. go!!!
Clutch, shift gear pedal up, gear 2…shift gear 3….and I was off.

As I descended the hill and on to the highway, I thought whether I should be doing this.
If I was right in doing this. It was not about the risk of getting hurt that was worrying me. It was the risk of getting caught. And be grounded for an indefinite amount of time. That too without the bike. That part was scary.

The western express highway is particularly dangerous after 2a.m. nearly all the drivers are drunk and no one drives below 100 km/ hr. A breeze started to blow. A steady cold breeze. I was riding against it. It seeped in through the visor screen and was right into my face. I put on full throttle. 45km/hr. 55 km/hr. 70 km/ hr 85 km/ hr….now it gets dangerous as any sudden movement or anything relatively close to that would result in a one way ride to you know where. 95 km/hr. my shirt was going to be blown away. 105 km/ hr. this is the highest I have been so far… the bike starts vibrating and curves slightly to the left on going above this.. I felt like God..Riding at 105 km/hr in the middle of the night. I felt ecstatic. Free. Out of control. Crazy. And I loved myself for it. And I loved my bike even more.

The lights appeared and went in a daze. It was still on full throttle. The bike swayed dangerously each time the speed increased. Not that I cared. Every time I accelerated, I felt this catch in the region just below the solar plexus and above the stomach. A sharp hollow feeling. Adrenaline pumping. The pulse rate quickened. The feeling persisted till the acceleration was on.

The t shirt collar flapped rapidly at my neck as I cut through the wind and further towards Andheri.
I wished I had a jacket on, I thought bluntly as I sped through the occasionally present mist in between flyovers. It is an interesting thing to notice how the air becomes suddenly damp and moist and cold and again becomes dry a minute later. It feels as if there are patches of different air columns present stationary as I cut through them.

I let go off the throttle as I neared Andheri. The speed lessened as I decremented the gear shift till it reduced to 2. I still wished my bike had a 6th gear. Life would have been so much better. I took a u turn at Andheri junction and proceeded towards home. Even with the helmet on my ears had gone cold. It was a cold November morning. as I reached Goregaon I began to feel good about the little excursion I had. In 10 minutes I pulled into the parking lot. The watchmen had made a primitive fire for themselves about which they had gathered around, playing teen patti. The meter said 9174…I had ridden 26 kilometres. 30 rupees well saved and spent. I felt good about myself. There was nothing in my head. A mind devoid of thoughts. I could feel the blood rushing to the brain as I recalled 105km/hr feeling. My stomach churned and my head started beating. I smiled. Quietly I crept to my second floor apartment and unlocked the door. I hoped the neighbours wouldn’t hear me and luckily they didn’t. my head swayed as I lied down on the floor. I smiled again. Maybe this is what being high feels like, I thought, amused.

(p.s.: I do not in any way, from this post, encourage anyone to ride or drive at night or speed above 70 km/hr. trust me it is highly dangerous. Only a stupid dumbfuck like me can be foolish enough to carry out something like that. Also try avoiding writing such articles especially when your mother uses the pc often. Because unknowingly you will be foolish enough to write such an article and save it on the desktop, thus making it available for everyone to read.>> I had to hear a lot that day. Especially since the accident I recently had..details later…amen)

Just This Once

2009-03-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

The room was dark. And quiet. It smelt of raw plywood and rotting wood polish. A damp woody smell. Perfect, thought Mike. He walked towards the window sill, his sneakers making a soft muffled sound as they passed over the wood shavings scattered on the floor. He stopped. The window sill. Perfect. the weather was cloudy. A soft drizzle followed as he stood there, watching. Darkening the sky even more. Perfect. He sat on the window sill, one leg up resting his elbow on it. Slid a window open. Fresh air greeted him. Maybe for the last time, he mused. The drizzle turned into a downpour. People, children, dogs scattered for shelter. Perfect, thought mike. To be safe inside a man made structure but still feel the iron grip of nature on yourself. And to do something so unethical that even nature would be upset. He smiled. And took out his smoke. Lit it. Rested his head on the wall, closed his eyes, letting it burn idly. I am not sad, or depressed or in any trouble. Neither am I under any peer pressure, he thought bluntly. I am just doing it to try it out. Just once. Just this once. He looked at his Marlboro light. It was halfway through. Hell I think too much. He took a drag. A small one. His throat grew hot, his chest burnt and what followed was a series of coughs. Violent ones. Uncontrollable ones. His eyes watered. What pleasure do people derive from doing this, he thought. It was nearly over. He put it in his mouth, and inhaled slowly. This time there were no desperate coughs. No burning lungs. A floating sensation. A mind devoid of thought. Clarity to the maximum. His heartbeat went up as blood rushed to his brain. And then it slowed down. Easing it of all pain. Of the confusion. He thought the smoke would cloud his thoughts and retard his thinking capabilities. On the contrary, he had never been so clear. Or confident. He opened his eyes. The feeling started fading and he could already feel himself reaching out for a second. But he stopped himself. And smiled. Is this what they called being high? Is this what people wasted their lives on? Someone had told him that meditation gave one the same feeling after years of practice. What a quick way this was. But he promised himself he wouldn’t get addicted. Addicted? And me? Definitely not, he thought. He could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he struggled to fight off the urge. His body swayed and his mind raged a battle against his so called ethics. Maybe I just need another one to calm myself down, just this once. Just this once.

**(this article does not in any way promote smoking or any related activities. I have tried to show it in a bad light, how it becomes addictive. Also the character is purely fictitious. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is highly coincidental.)

Thank You

2009-01-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

This is a post I had written 6 months back but never had the opportunity to update it. For some reason I didn’t do it. But now, since many people are changing (these may include me), I really want to thank many of my friends who have really done a lot for me. I have really been lucky to be blessed by amazing parents, amazing friends and frankly many a times I feel I don’t deserve it. My friends have influenced me in many ways. I have learnt a lot from them. Many of my opinions about them have changed and before they change completely I want to do justice to them by posting it. Now I can’t list down all those who have been there for me but definitely they know it I thank them for it. Let us start. I want to thank the following people….for teaching me….

Pratap Kaul::

To be a fighter, to always be the underdog, to work really hard, to stay on the ground always, to rise after being down, to put 100% in everything, to self introspect and continuously improve, to help others no matter what.

Ashwathi Nambiar::

To make life simple, to get maximum output through minimum effort(I have not figured out this one as yet), to not be bothered by material achievements at all but at the same time achieve them with ease, to help others, to enjoy life as it is and not how it should be.

Rohit Bharadwaj::

To be passionate about doing things which come your way, to understand help and trust people completely, to be selfless.

Sinan Kadavath::

To try and live life to the fullest, to think and act differently, to be unique and live life according to one’s own wants, to do everything, to try and do the improbable.

Rahul madhavan::

To not be bothered by anything, to go about one’s life in a way which is unaffected by others’ thinking, to improve, to think practically, he showed me that change need not always be bad.

Rahul goswami::

To be selfless, to help others and think about their good, to care for others even when he himself is in a precarious position, to think a lot, to be positive and critical at the same time, I always thought he deserves more than he achieves.

Amey desai::

To be practical, to not divulge too much into peoples’ personal lives, to help others at any cost, to be lightheaded and unstressed, to make complex things simple, to not think about the past, to not regret at any point.

Dimple Nangia::

To help others, to be hopelessly optimistic about everything around you.

Brett fernandes::

To put minimum effort and maximum output, synergy is maximum, btw thanks for helping me in the exam.

Tushar yerandekar::

To work hard, to fight for success, to help others, to be positive about everything which one faces.

Madhav Kanhere::

To be a die hard self critic, to work day and night and still be unsatisfied, to compete all the time, to be the best.

Karan Gaikwad::

To relax and be chilled, to work hard, to be determined at all costs.

Sanket Godbole::

To be humble, to have your feet rooted to the ground even though your knowledge may touch the sky, to be genuine.

Anup kotalwar::

To think logically all the time, to share one’s knowledge with anyone and everyone.

Shrilata murthy::

To hide one’s maturity, to be highly determined at the same time not sacrificing on small events which make one happy, to behave like a kid, to be full of energy all the time.

Sachin Kondar::

To help others no matter what and stay by their side when you need them.

Nikhil Khekade::

To be energetic, determined, smart, to captivate everyone with humility, to admit if one doesn’t know something and to go to any lengths to explain it if he does know, to be dynamic, to do something in life, to work continuously and to enjoy life as a journey.

There are some more names which are coming to my mind but for now, I think these should suffice. Thank you for everything. I know things are not going to be the same considering how things are right now, but I hope they do. Amen.

A Sunday Afternoon

2009-01-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

::(post dates back long....around three months.)

I sat there. Staring. Fixedly in front of me. Out of the window. Where two small boys played with a Frisbee. The loud chatter. The laughs. The fun. I was perhaps more jealous than envious. A warm Sunday afternoon and these children played carelessly. Laughed effortlessly. Ran the whole stretch not thinking about any projects. Or assignments. Or journals. Or presentations. Or submissions. Not worried about their future decisions. Ignorant of the challenges ahead. Swallowing all envy, I got up. Rinsed my face with cold water. And stood in front of the mirror. A pair of tired red eyes stared back at me. The haggard face showed signs of unnecessary overwork. The wrinkled, unshaven face depicted an identity of a person torn between career decisions, managing relationships and building a place for himself in this huge world. I looked away and stood in front of the window. A soft breeze went past, teasing my face and hair. Inviting me. Telling me that nature is waiting. For me. Telling me to break all bonds and shackles. To be free. Like those two children.

The wind picked up speed. Windows banged against their sills, dried leaves leapt in the air. The trees swayed joyfully as I looked up at the slowly darkening sky. The children also looked up amused at the sight of their Frisbee going longer and higher in the wind. Thunder struck but the childrens’ cries of joy was louder. As the drops fell, their dance began. They sang a popular Hindi song as they continued dancing, drenching themselves. Everyone else ran for shelter. Except those two. All I could do at that moment was smile. I went down and took a long walk. The rain fell harder. Drenching my clothes, my body, and then my thoughts. It was as if mother nature was washing the negativity off me. I walked up to the hill and sat on a bench. The noises of the children were still louder than the rain. How I wished to go back in time. To be that same kid. Once again. A shout interrupted my thoughts. I smiled to see a few people getting their hands on a football. I didn’t know anyone. And later, I realized that they didn’t know each other either. But the silly game of football that followed in that small space of the parking lot was enough to change my mood completely. The silliest of jokes, the horrible barefoot play, the slipping, the laughing, the continuous swearing for the ball. A enjoyed every bit of it. Only once did I gaze up to see on the 1st floor, the same two children being reprimanded by their mother. Maybe for playing in the rain. I smiled. Just then I got the ball and scored. I looked up to celebrate with the smiling unknown people which I had met just an hour ago. I smiled again.

A Genius but a weakling...

2008-08-23T02:41:00.000-07:00

Terrified. He was. He looked around. Only smoke. No voices. No movement. No life. Am I in hell, he thought. His pulse raced. Searing hot pain kept him down. Resting on his shoulder, he tried to get up. Stabbing pain shot through his body. Agony. To the maximum. The air was filled with the smell of blood and bile. A hot liquid formed a pool drenching his clothes. A pool of blood. His own.

Voices. No, not voices, shouts, screams, cries. Of people. Injured. Of people. In agony. Of people.Who saw blood for the first time. Of people. Who saw hundreds of limbs scattered around. Of children. Crying. Trying to find their mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters. Of news reporters. Trying to find their breakthrough report. Of cars. Of ambulances. Of fire brigades. Of people. Panicked.

But he heard none. His hearing was damaged beyond repair. The pain was unbearable. He dragged his useless body with his hands. Crawling. Stumbling across rubble. Every time he called out, blood gushed out of his throat. The smoke started to clear. But he still couldn’t see. He didn’t know what happened. His head demanded answers. But who was going to answer them? He looked down to his feet or rather the place where his feet used to be. The flesh had turned black and was oozing a black coloured liquid. Not that it mattered. He had to find his daughter. His seven year old darling. His ‘jhoomar’ as he fondly called her.

He called out again. Sputtering blood. Everywhere. Along with his feet, a part of his lower torso was also gone. Good I had an empty stomach, he mused to himself. “jhoomar!!” No response.

Strong hands gripped him. A stretcher was brought out. He was carried away and his incoherent cries of jhoomar were dismissed as cries of agony. There was nothing left in him. The body drained of blood. Half his flesh burnt. And limbs were a mess of things. There was nothing left in him….except one. The desire to see his daughter alive. To see her safe and in good hands. “jhoomar!”

He looked around to see countless bodies around him in similar or worse conditions.
He calmed himself down. His hands grew cold and blue and he took more than ten minutes to get his wallet out. He took a picture of jhoomar and looked at it for a long time. It was taken in goa when they had gone for their first outing. The sky grew dark, clouds gathered and rain fell, washing the blood of some faces and the sins of others.
It was as if mother nature was crying. The water mixed with blood to form small rivulets.
The blood from people belonging to various castes and religions, from old- young ,men –women, from people who were just having a casual day at karol baug, a few moments ago.

Moments later, a young scout came to the very place with a young girl. The girl was asked to identify her father among the endless bodies lying around. She didn’t take much time. Her picture was lying on a man’s chest. His lower abdomen was severed and he had no feet. But his face bore an expression of peace and calamity. As the rain fell, so did her tears. Not that the body would recognize the tears from the rain, but his soul must have, she hoped.

100 miles away, in a two room apartment, a frightened, pale young man switched on the news.

“….wild spread chaos….hundreds killed…thousands injured….no one claims responsibility….the terrorists’ reign continues…this is anjali sharma reporting from…”
He switched it off. Opened the closet. Saw his prized collection. Loaded it. And held it to his head. There was no hesitation. A pool of blood. Again. His own.

Two blocks away, another man was watching the same news. He smiled. It couldn’t have been better, he thought.
The phone rang.
”he killed himself. I think he couldn’t take it. He committed….”
“forget it. Good that he did it himself. I didn’t want any more bloodbath among us.
He did a wonderful job. No one else could have engineered the blast so well. But he was a weakling. A genius but a weakling. ”

insight into ...........

2008-06-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

warning::: long post ahead

I ve been edging myself to write about this topic but there was this unnecessary reluctance in ma mind whether to write it or not since i am, at least nowadays, giving an impression to the reader that i am self centered and pompous by writing about myself..but o well anyways..here goes....

i ve always believed that there are voices inside one s head...to tell you what to do...when...how...etc...to decide things...to distinguish between right and wrong...and more...they re always there...whether ur sleeping or standing or walking or shitting...they never cease...they go on continuously with their blabber ....some of it useful...most of it useless...and surprisingly even when your whole body is down and out...ur back is pleading you to lie down..ur limbs are giving up on you...you just want to forget about everything and rest...even in those times...these voices are there...dominating your course of action...guiding you....directing you...consoling you....reprimanding you....criticizing you...supporting you...ppl like to call them thoughts...or ideas...or opinions ...i call them voices coz at least in my head they er always shouting orders to me....

k...where was i...aah yes...voices...this is not a general view coz i dunno how others head works....am talking solely about my empty 4 into 4 inch container above my neck...there are a million voices in my head...but only a few of them dominate others....and remain...forever,,,,one is the self critic..always tellin me that i ve done something horrible...if not then he s kind enough to tel me what a worthless piece of shit i am...he s the most powerful thing on ma mind...dunno how and to tame him.....the other one is the positive thinker...i cal him the pusher....he s a die hard optimist...always helping supporting...pushing me ahead with all his enthusiasm....these two keep fighting all the time...and i have to sit back and listen to the one who wins....and there is one more....the enlightened one....one who believes that no matter how much i struggle i am going to get what i am destined for and that there is no use struggling as life lays down a path for us to follow.....i find this guy the most stable one but he lacks aggression so ends up on the losing side all the time...these 3 voices form more than 3 quarters of my mind....we discuss...we look...we analyse...and we implement....when there is balance between these 3...i am stable....otherwise...i am a wreck....

now i ll try to give you the most honest insight....on the day my exams got over....scenario....have just reached home....its 9.30 in the night.....lets see whats going through my mind...
characters:::
critic voice::: cv
optimistic voice::: ov
enlightened voice::: ev
...and myself::: me

i just reach home....take my shoes off...just when i am taking the bag off, cv starts with his one liners....

cv:: "before you even try to think about resting your worthless ass on the bed, please try to remember that you have a big decision pending....you have been toying with this for quite some time now and a decision is urgently required as its difficult to do both....cmon...cat or gre...temme quick...."

i grumble ...trying not to pay attention to what cv has just said...but he s already done the damage....and he knows it...
me::: "am trying to get some rest here....i just came home...can i not relax and talk later?"

cv::::"o yes i am so sorry for disturbing your highness as i conveniently forgot what a brilliant paper u wrote today...i agree u totally deserve the rest...."

that stings....goes straight through my heart...shit....i start losing composure once again...just then,,,

ov::: "dont listen to him yug....he s just meant to bring u down...big deal if one ppr didnt go ur way....there will be a million chances later....and u have to learn from this so that u dont repeat the blunders committed before ....u ll never learn if u dont commit mistakes...."

cv:::: "now i see wer he gets his losing nature from....if u constantly live under the blanket of these false assurances yug,, u ll never progress in ur life...be practical...just say that u have become a waste..."

ov:::: "thats not true...try to rem the times wen u wer down and u told ur self that u ll work hard and u did....so pull urself up...your the best...you can u will u must!!!"

cv:::: "ppl here are so good at talking bullshit...."

i really dont know what to do...so i just lie down and close my eyes....unfortunately that doesnt help my situation....these voices get louder,....

cv::: "ok loser...we r moving away from the topic...decide...mba or ms?"

Me:: "i odnt really know..."

cv::: "wow....u do me proud bro....at least i got a pat reply for this question....now i know wat ur confident about...ur confident about the fact that u dont know anything and cant make one straight decision,,,,"

ov::::"lets see...and cv u shut up...yug u can do an mba....cat is difficult i know dat...but u hav the skills and aptitude to crack it..."

cv::: "whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!! there!!!! may i beg to interrupt.....a little status check here....a handful of the aspirants aactly make it to the mba courses....and may i remind u tht cat is one of the toughest exams in the world....and may i refer to wat happened at ur previous try at a really competitive exam? The iit? U sukd dude...u sukd really bad...so think again..."

ov::: "iit was a different issue...there was loads of pressure....mba is much abt aptitude than knowing many things....so there is a difference,...and it can be exploited..."

i dunno y i did this but i mustered some courae to try and open another window of opportunity by mentioning gre....i thot that would silence cv....i needed to outwit him....in vain again....

cv:::: "gre??? oho...the person who stil struggles with errors to write lab programs wants to do masters in computers.....i dont why but that didnt tickle....are you trying to joke....cos tht wasnt funny......accept it ur technically challlenged...."

i was getting irritated....this was one of the times wen cv dominated and ov was at the loss of words...i hated that....this was one of the time i feel low and depressed....but i wasnt gonna let tht happen to me on tht day...at least not on the day the exams end,...so i begged ev to get me out of the situation...ev was listening to the conversation for a long time.....

ev:::: "i think you both need to give yug a little time...its fair of him to think tht his exams are over and he does need rest...therz no use workin ur mind wen it is tired....decisions...these are some things tht we hav to take...but it may be remembered that indecision is also a decision...so it would be foolish to say that i have made this decision...things happen for ppl....same way decisions also ohappen and they are not taken....there wil be an omen tellin u wat ur decidin is incorrect...o sorry...nothin is incorrect...the omen wil tel u whether wat ur decidin is FOR YOU OR NOT....so its pointless thinkin abt it ay and night esply on the day the exams end...it is a time to relax...recouperate....and refreshen ourselves so tht we r natural enough to avoid disruptances in the path of our thinking and our omens....so for now we are not taking this conversation farther and not thinking about it for the time being..."

i smile and open my eyes to see food kept on the table....am still with my socks on and the same clothes on....the clock reads 1 a.m....i get up wash ma face....devour all the food....put the lights off ...and lie down again...closing my eyes...wen slowly as expected....cv starts off again.....

oh shi(f)t ! ! !

2008-05-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

hi. exams on. Less time. So no updates.....this was one article i had written on may 10th n i dont have the patience to edit it...

its may 10th. I have roughly 10 days to go for my sem 4 exams (read: death) to commence and here i am. Tired. Bored. Frustrated. (blame it on i.e.m.!!!). even more so because my vivas ended day before yesterday. I need a break but given the situation i am in, its better to start early.

There are some things which i get annoyed at really quickly. One of them is my parents not telling me some things which they should. They think that it will get me thinking into these things and affect me.
Bullshit.

Lately, i had been hearing the 'shift' word a lot in the maa-baap conversations (i tend to accidently eavesdrop sometimes when i am in the kitchen making myself a snack) . The discussion had taken several forms like argument, debate, vociferous declaration and what not. Especially my mom(i guess all moms are like this). I confronted my dad and he told me to mentally prepare myself as we are moving out of the house to a new one by the end of june. Even though i was expecting this, my hands and feet went cold. Now cmon, i ve been living in this house for about 17 years. You dont expect me to be happy to leave it!!

its so bad. Shifting sucks. Dad said that there was a chance that wouldnt happen and i pray so. But its a very thin chance. Might as well forget about it. I ll miss my friends. Goes without saying. But some subtle things have been such a part and parcel of my life that i cant imagine my life without them....

... the daily morning 4 o clock noise of the milk truck.

...the sweet scent of chocolate wrappers in my building lift.

...the awesome sea view from my terrace.

...my early morning jog at the race course.

...smell of horse shit along my way around the race course towards mahalaxmi station everyday.

...the futile wait for bus 124.

...the sweet scent of agarbatti in the passage corridor.(courtesy::neighbour)

...the ganesh visarjan proceedings in my colony every year.

...the broken glass windows of the opposite buildings reminding me of my school days when we used to play cricket and broke those so conveniently(and how the govt has been incapable of repairing them even now!!).

...the empty 8.17 borivali slow everyday.

...sams-the best hajjam in tardeo.

...haji ali juice centre.

...walks along worli sea face.

...troubling couples making out near lala lajpatrai college.

...tnmc ground beside my building..

...the 20 yr old rajdoot(its a bike..dunno whose but it looks awesome!! lol!!)

...difficulty in crossing the 6 lane road at haji ali stretch.

...the 9 to 10 timepass below with friends.

...my room (sob sob!!)

...tardeo book center ( my saviour throughout!!!)

...sardar pav bhaji

...kalpana restaurant

...city bakery

...flora

...sealord

..paschim
(the last 6 are restaurants!!!)

...the every sunday football in lala lajpatrai colg compound

...an isolated place near breach candy

...the irritating tune on opening the lift door

...phoenix mills

...the easy access to town

...THE TAXI!!!!

...the usual 6.5 sec delay of my room tubelight

...my rooms dirty curtains

...throwing water on bhelpuriwala below

...still but unusuallly moving cars, at the back of lala colg quadrangle!!!!(lol)

...worli police swimming pool

,....the list is endless but i wont bore the reader (if any) furthur!!!!!!!

bottomline:: i dont want to shift!!!!!!

Manu.

2008-05-01T04:52:00.000-07:00

warning:: long post ahead.....

I was in the 10 th standard at that time. It was in the evening, after schoolthat I was walking towards the bus stop. there was traffic at one spot and to avoid it I decided to walk some distance and catch a bus from the left junction. I took a left and walked humming on a new song..and I saw her.

She was a short, bright child who seemed to be 9or 10 years old though she claimed to be 13. she was sitting below a street lamp with a basket of vegetables in front of her and two books on her lap. That bright angel-like face , her deep dark eyes and her cute little smile………..i can remember till today. She was dressed almost in rags, but she sat with some dignity.

I approached her little ‘shop’. My shadow appeared on her books and she looked up at me. What a sweet little child she was!!!! She smiled and asked me which vegetables she wanted. I didn’t answer.

“ what are you reading?”

“English balbharti”
the cover showed std.5.

“which school do you go to?”

“I don’t go to school. One of the school children was kind enough to give it to me.”

“how do u know to read if u don’t go to school?”

“I went to school for 3 years but dropped out as I couldn’t afford the minimal; fees.”

“is that why you are selling vegetables? To gather enough money to go to school again?”

“no.i am doing this because my father cant sell vegetables today.”

I enquired why.

“because he s drunk again and hitting my mother at home.”

There was no remorse or sadness in her voice. All throughout the conversation her pitch was jovial and happy.

“what is your name?”

“manu.”

I took out my wallet. 45 bucks. 5 to go home. I took 40 bucks and handed it over to her.

She stared at the money and innocently enquired how many vegetables I needed.
“those are for your books. Buy more. Read more.”

Her smile faded. She stood up held her hand in front. she didn’t want the money.
“thank you, but I am not a beggar. I sell to earn money.”

Surprised. I didn’t expect such a reaction.
“I am not treating you as a beggar. Keep it for now.. return it later when you think u can.. for now get more books.”

She clutched at the notes. The reluctance was obvious.
“please give me ur address and tel. No.”
shit. She was adamant.

“you wouldn’t need that. I ll meet you soon.”
Saying that I walked away, not looking back, praying that she wont come up and hand me the money. I I gave her money to console myself . to make me feel that I tried to do at least something for that poor girl. I got into my bus and headed home.

3 years later, I walked down the same lane towards my school to take my passing certificate. The clerk wasn’t there. Disappointed, I was returning to my bus stop when I saw a girl about average height, long hair, looking up to me, smiling. She had grown but I could never forget her innocent, sparkling eyes. Manu.

“you have grown, manu.”

“so have you…come with me.”

A dark middle aged man with grey hair was sitting in his vendor stall. The place was respectable, not shabby.
Manu led me to him, her father, and told him something in a language I couldn’t understand.

The deep lines on his face vanished and he smiled. He got up to his feet and shook my hand. He cleared his throat and said
““
I was of your age when I left my house. My father was a farmer with three sons and I was the youngest. We were a rich content family till the time we brothers started fighting for our share of land. All of us were married. I decided to come to mumbai.

We built a shop and I sold vegetables and fruits. We were quite happy. Then it all happened. In 1993, after the bomb blasts, riots took place and my shop and house were burned down. Everything I had saved for my family went up in flames. After things turned to normal, I had no shop, no savings, no home and a family to look after. I was angry and took up drinking. I used to remove my frustration on my wife sometimes. But we were never starved. I came to know the reason much later .my little girl used to sell vegetables and bring money for my family. When you gave her the money that day, she didn’t buy books. She bought medicines for her mother. I was ashamed of myself.””

He took out a handkerchief and tapped it under his moist eyes.

““
I resolved never to drink again and go back to rebuild my shattered business. It took time but my daughter edged me on. She supported me. And now we are happy and back to how we were.””

He reached out to manu and kissed her on the forehead.

“I know why you told her all that about returning the money and I know ypu wont accept it now.”

He took out the most red apples from his collection, packed them and handed it to me.
“as a token of my thanks to you my child. For helping a poor family.”

I took the bag, shook the man s extended hand. My hand was clammy with sweat .i couldn’t muster enough courage to look at manu again .when I finally did, she was there looking at me smiling her own innocent smile. It reminded me of that evening when I saw her first. Was this the same 10 year old who saved her family? how could a child so young understand so much and carry out such a difficult task all by herself> a shattered family? A drunk father? The time when most children play games and dance around… this child did so much…….

She was 5 years younger to me but I felt she was a hundred times more mature, than me.

I said good bye to manu and walked towards my bus stop. My head was begging me to stop all the thoughts racing through my head. My mind kept me on.

I caught my bus and took the last seat. For the first time in 9 years, I felt my eyes moisten.

hava nahi aa raha hai!!!!

2008-04-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

following is one of the most stupidest post i have ever written in my life....read at ur own risk....dont blame me later........i just wanted to try a present tense style of writing ...instead of a normal past tense approach....

time: 5:30 p.m....date...2 days before
commencement of vivas(yes...the 25 marks wala fadu vivas...in which the external
screws ur case)....am trying to study
sitting in college...gogo beside me....i
get bugged and call sinan...
" me: i need your hamachar(yes thats a
reference book dudes...we mu students do
refer ref books at times!!!!)....xerox
karna hai...where are you?
sinan(from now on will be referred as
chodu): ya get the xerox done...am at
bhavans ground with rahul(maddy) and
rohit(jungli)...doing lukkhagiri..hum log
hava khane aaye hain....get it done fast
have to go home...am leaving in 10
mins...."

i have been with chodu long enough to
understand what kind of crazy thoughts go
through his head...and i was pretty sure
this too was his idea..bhavans
ground...???...some stupid way to kil time
and entertain himself....

i hurry(hurrying means walking down aaram
se simultaneously searching for ppl whom i
no so thati can talk and waste more time
over them) to annu xerox and give the book
for photo-copying...on the way back to
college...(actualy bhavans ground)...i meet
ashwathi...i convince her to wait for me
and sinan as i tell her that we r all
leaving for home...i n ashwathi go to
bhavans ground...find junglii maddy n
chodu...sitting on the grass ...in the
middle of the ground....it is odd to see
them there.........3 ppl sitting down...and
no one else there....we walk up to
them....chodu starts off with his weird
face expressions...

" maddy: eh, hava nahi aa raha hai...
chodu: ayega re...patience rakh...
ashwathi:(laughing)
me: what are you ppl doing here?
chodu: hum log hai na(pauses...then makes
a really typical sinan face...the confused
as to what to say wala face)....tp kar rahe
hain...padh padh ke pak gaye....and its so
hot...so hava khane ke liye aaye hain..
....(laughter)........

maddy: eh, hava nahi aa raha hai...
junglii: rona band kar be...ayega..
maddy: nahi aa rha hai be...
ashwathi:(laughs).

the most important thing to notice is what
kind of stupid conversation is going on and
how inadverently we are participating in
it..

..junglii has nothing to do...so he picks a
stone...and aims at maddys shirt pocket...a
really stupid lukkha game commences...of
throwing stones at each other aiming at
each others pockets...everyone actively
participates in the most unique
contest...of throwing the maximumm no. of
stones in your opponents pocket...and am
saying it again and again to irritate the
reader...

...the main thing to be noted here is how
lukkha we are to play such a game , sitting
in the middle of our college ground with 2
days to go for our vivas...

"
me: hey lets go for a jog around the
ground...long time havent done that...
junglii agrees.
maddy: eh main bhaag nahi sakta be,...pagal
hai kya..
junglii: mote sale jog karne ka hai..
...
we start jogging...in a really stupid
way...run around like school children
....make enough noise and halla gulla and
other cheap stuff(courtesy:chodu) to
attract the attention oif the cricket team
thta has come to practice here and not to
mention the old nana nanis(who must be
discussing how the future of our country is
in danger looking at us..)...suddenly chodu
challenges junglii for a sprint....and both
end up panting at their own stupidity/....i
also end up sprinting with maddy only to
realise that i too (along with maddy) am in
no shape to run.........still i beat maddy
at it...(yes victory!)

we again come back to the same spot again
and sit down....and have nothing to talk
about and so we bore each other with trash
talk about how the vivas are going to
be...finally chodu saya that he s not going
home but studying with junglii and
maddy....coa...something which i dont want
to miss...i look at ashwathi and she gives
me the i
ll-kick-ur-ass-if-dont-come-with-me-to-the-
station look....of course she s right...i
make her wait for 30 mins just to tell her
that i am not leaving but studying in
college...i finally tell her to go alone
and i come back with sinan to college to
study...we do 1 chapter and we leave for
home...
...........really stupid post i

know........but i warned you in the

beginning!!!!

awakening!!!!

2008-04-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

mike was his name. a brilliant kid at school. one who never came second in his class.. one who was never out-skilled at football, basketball or swimming. one who excelled at all extra-curricular and co-curricular activities throughout his school life... he was perfect..and because of his nature..he wasnt envied at all...everyone used to be happy at his success..perfectionist!!!

as he passed out of school and entered colllege, something happened. mike wasnt the same. he was easily distracted and easy going..not what you would expect from a topper..his acads started to shake..but he recovered just in time....in syjc..he snapped back..not to his best ..but near about same enthusiasm was back...he scored well in his hsc and cet and managed to get into the second best engineering college in mumbai(iit not included in that count!!!!)
..he was satisfied..his parents too...but that was just the beginning.....

semester 1:..he couldnt adjust at all...to the new surroundings..especially the style of studying..so different..so difficult..and time was so less...all thanks to the great mumbai university..who has been screwing careers since god know how many years..sem1 exam and mike was trembling with fear...he did really badly and was worried ....but he cleared all subs...got a bad percentage but cleared..satisfaction again...but he swore to score in the second sem...unfortunately that too didnt happen bacause he got carried away ...3rd sem was a do or die situation for him...little did he realise that it was a do AND die situation...he studied really hard but still managed to suck at the exam.....
..mike was confused..afraid..disgusted..down..low..depressed..everyone had scored...except him..continuously he blamed himself for everything...thinking that its all over..his health started to deteriorate..badly..he thought of himself as someone who just couldnt do anything no matter how hard he tried...his health deteriorated furthur...he took no notice...."y me..y couldnt i .."..he kept ranting this all the time...his friends tried everything to get him out of it...but to no avail..his health was a serious issue now,,,because of lack of sleep and improper diet...he was continuosly puking blood....he went for a checkup and the doc told him that he may be sufferring from cancer...and to carry out some carcinogenic tests....mike heard that but didnt move a muscle...he seriously didnt feel anything..after 2 weeks of tests and regular visits to the doc..the test results were negative..his friends and family were really happy for him...but he still didnt feel anything...because something in him had changed when his doc had told him that he may have cancer..he wasnt scared..he just realised that if he did suffer from it and was going to die a early death..then what would he look back upon his life as? the useless struggle he s been through? the continous cribbing that life is unfair? the eternally depressing thoughts which used to haunt his mind??? the hell-ranting suicidal tendencies??? what was he going to look back upon???...
...that day itself, mike had changed...even before the test results came...he was this happy jolly person...he stil has a long way to go...he stil has to work hard..he s stil in a bad position as far as acads are concerned..but hes not depressed..and i hope he succeeds this time...cause if he does then he ll carry this attitude throughout his life"".....

life is a journey...you cant stop in between saying that i didnt get what i want...look around you...not everyone has got what they want...it may even be possible that they have got and you havent.but that s their destiny not yours..you didnt get it because it wasnt meant for you...it wasnt YOURS. destiny is fixed for everyone. it lays down a path for us to follow. we follow it not knowing what the outcome may be..thats the fun of it...that is life..if everyone knew what they were going to be in the future, then whats the point? we are al groping in the dark trying to find our destinies..in the process if one can remain happy..he lives a good life..if he doesnt then stil he gets wat hes destined to but leads a very depressing life..
so the next time you are low..think of it as a sin...nothing is as imporatant as your soul..you cant trouble it...its priceless...happiness is not an achievement...it never was..it has become an achievement...when you were small did u need a reason to be happy? u were always happy n someone had to make you sad to change your state of mind....now someoene has to make you happy..what a bad transformation..there is still time...change yourself...it ll take some time but its not difficult...work hard but at the end dont crib if you dont get something,,accept it....remember this--
" PEOPLE SAY WHATEVER HAPPENS IS FOR THE GOOD..BULLSHIT..REFRAME IT...
WHATEVER HAPPENS ..IT IS MINE!...AND I AM PROUD OF IT NO MATTER WHAT..."

people will talk as they always do...like i said their job is to talk...about others...dont listen to them..do what you think is right..and care a fuck...always...

look up to yourself...its the most important thing..live for the moment..rape the past fuck the future...one of them you cant change and the other you dont know...at this moment i am writing all this bullshit and thats all i am thinking about...
and b positive!
amen!!!!!

arsenal...........again!

2008-04-13T07:47:00.001-07:00

out of the f.a. cup.........out of the champions league..........and 5 draws and a loss in the premier league...leaves arsenal with nothing left to fight for........its sad to see a tired , injured , low-on-bench strength arsenal sqad line up against filthy rich clubs with so many signings....still we play the best football ...call me a hopeless gunner.....but i still believe in flair.........and arsenal plays that best..........whatever u say.....no one can steal that from the young gunners...so many things happened this season.cant forget the tackle on eduardo...god bless you man......hope to see you running again..."the beautiful game isnt so beautiful after all",.. eh pratap? but i can still hear manutd supporters shouting last season that arsenal is going to land up in bottom leg of the table....screw u guys...anyways..best of luck gunners.!

(am sorry mr. wenger but i still fail to understand y u play senderos...it really makes all arsenal supporters go red faced..!!! )

random bullshit

2008-04-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

...lets cut the "i havent-updated-ma-blog-for-a-long-time-excuses"...i ve plenty of things to talk about but just cant frame any of it in words...
lets see.....lets start with what s been happeneing lately.....college has become really dull....all i can see is people getting committed and in love and all that bullshit...not that i have any problem with that(!!!)...but o well anyways...thats all that sp is upto right now.......love is in the air in sp....bullshit...seriously....whatever.......midterms came nd went.......dont ask........vivas and submissions coming up fast....dont ask about that either....chai club goin on fine....pcomm project gone to the dogs...but even the dogs are finding it useless(sorry for the sick humour...am plain mindfucked)...prataps really busy with his insignia work(sorry dude ...really couldnt write for the mag)..dimple too ....sinan had his head shaved again...i dont know.......ask him why...saw brett getting broke for the first time...lol...saw rahul with money to spend...tht too for the first time...rohit and amey are obssessed with dota-warcraft...dont know what pleasure they derive...medhas tensed about her studies...(hahahah)...the terrible trio or what was tht ? achanak bhayanaks? ya they re fine.....still dont know y u did that noopur...u luk lik a chini now!...ashwathi is fine as always...sachin i guess has found his love after all......love screwing u man..........taha!!!ya dude will return ur belt shortly...as soon as i find it!!!!...hina has finally completed her diploma in sinan-education this week.,..she can now understand everythin almost as well as medha can ..lol...naveli following suit ................
nothing else to talk about for the time being.......will update soon.......cheeeeeeeeers!

ieee trip jan 2007.....day 2:::::::::::::

2007-08-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

continuing from wer i left....
the day began groggily..it was damn cold wen i first woke up.......ther wer no sounds practically....it was stil dark.....i looked around to see rahul awake....the oders wer still out cold...lost in their dreams....i n rahul got up...n started arrangin the middle berths...went abt our daily chores....stil no one was awake [not even u freddi!!!!]...finally everyone started stirrin..the ice had been broken....so we wer talkin more freely then.....n pratap was at his futile best in his attempt to wear my skull cap....[sorry dude....ur heads way too big...plus the hair!! lol!!]...dimple tried it on too....n she was lookin lik a baccha in it ..lol! did i evr tel u dimp tht i had dandruff???? lol!!! [kiddin dimp!! i dont!]...we wer talkin nd lafin at som stupidity....wen we finally reached bangalore....i don rem the name of the station....it was pretty big[ ah curse ma fkin memory]...we gathered our luggage n assembled at the place wer we wer supposed to....i dunno y but i went bak abt 3 times to ma berth searchin for ma skull cap.....only to find it in ma hand!
ther was some prob abt the matching of names on the tickets of some sorts........so the seniors had to shell out a whole lotta money to convince the railway officials...
one whole day in the train plus one whole night.....enough to make us travel worn...stinky...nd tired....nd we had more travellin comin....our coorad led us to a bus.....i prayed tht we fe s would be together....n tht we wouldnt be stashed in a bus overflowing with "welcoming " se s....ma prayers wer fortunately answered....we wer all together..at the back of a bus....with some te s...........trust me..the tes wer real nice to us.....didnt expect tht but o wel neways.....we wer eagerly waitin for the bus to start ..wantd to get in to the hotel room n tak a shower....howevr destiny had oder plans....the buses stayed on for a lon time.......during which time we tried to fancy ourselves talkin shit abt ourselves....taha n sinan wer at their useless best....the bus finally moved but the driver put on a himesh song!!! aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggh!!!! [didnt know that chut was famous there too]....because of the outcry the driver changed the song to some kannad folk song.....not tht we liked tht..but nethings better than himesh!! lol!!
we wer playin dum charades [hope i got the spellin rite] wen the bus came up to halt....the hotel was lookin great.......after snatching a quick breakfast os medu wadas nd idlis [pratap!!!! medu wadas!!!!!lol!!!] we realised that the se s wer to stay at tht place not us....we didnt know wer we wer going to be stashed...the bus didnt move at all for a long time...,,,medha wasnt feelin wel so she went to stay at her relatives place in bangalore.......while the te s sorted allocation problem....we fe s found a football ground....[wel it wasnt a football ground considering the dump lying der..but who cares neways]...but we started playin coz there was nothin else to do.......we seriously had a prob .....we wer stinking bad and in desparate need of a bath....but the bus wasnt going newer.....finally they moved us all fe s n tes to another hotel...this one was good too.....but the only prob was tht the room which we fe boys got didnt hav an attached bath room.......not did tht matter.........we wer jus so haoppy to find a place wer we caould bathe....n change.....fe boys..i ve used tht term jus to make u ppl aware tht this term is much more than wat it seems to be....it is supposed to be one the most downtrodden class ever on the trip.lol! no regrtes ppl...we enjoyed every moment of it.......it was nearly evenin wen we bathed lol!!! we waited for the girls to finish [seriously how much time they took!!]/...n then went on to find a decent restaurant ....ther was this great mall over ther..i forgot the name...again! [pratap sinan fred dimp...i need thou help....wat was the name of tht mall?]........we loitered around for sometime...nd then taha saw it! THE HUNGRY BUDHHA! [wel its the name of the restaurant wat r u gawking at me for?]...it was great...how much we ate over there for so little money....cant ever forget it....after dinner we wer walkin towards our hotel wen sompne suggested ccd...at tht time the stupid self inside me was at his maximum....so ashwathi(i didnt know her well then)...said something abt me exchanging footwear wid swati.....nd lik the dumbest idiotic downright foolish person..i said i don mind......now trust me i sriously dunno y i did tht...but ya we exchanged footwear.......no. 5 sandals....tht really suked........cudnt even get ma feet halfway in! n then we had to walk into ccd lik tht.....n thers wer it all started...the real fun.....the absolutely senseless behavior [plz don mind me takin credit for tht guys!]....n ya in ccd...i bret sinan wer starin at this absolutely hot chick sittin two tables away.[dimp don argue wid me.....u wer facin the opp way n ya brett was staring!! lolz!]...taha as usual was all excited abt the new shoe sandal drama..nd was talkin shit...well everyone was....one of things i regret doin actually.....too late to change it now....we all went to the hotel after finishin our coffees...n thenn changed...gettin ready for bed...dunno y though.....no one was gonna sleep neway.....someone suggested that we all play cards....everyone gathered in our room.....nd the pathetic game of napolean started.....i nevr liked that game ..[thts because it requires brains n a good memory n u dont qualify for neither dum fuck!!].ohh sorry abt that...that was ma dual image...[u dirty faggot..u copied this idea from prataps blog didnt u...u bastard...how abt being original..fuck nut..]...jus then ayush n ankur entered the room .....n they told us to seriously own up for something....a feeling of surprise n confusion everywer....they told us to own up if we had alcohol!! lol!!!!! they tol us later tht it was just a joke....then it all started....ya..RAGGING!!!! we wer taken into a room full of te s ....me n pratap wer the first bakras....they tol us to sit facing each oder....n ask questions....if one hesitates the oder slaps him....[pratap.u fker....u hit me real hard!!!!lol!!!!]...loads of shit followed....me n sinan doin nagin dance around brett.....pratap, taha, n gurtej askin out harsh parekh.....we enactin out taha s wildest fantasy!! [taha u dick head...ur wildest fantasy is runnin butt naked on marine drive with a dog chasin u? lol!].....we also had to for band...brett playin the guitar[taha!!]....drums [me]...n i forgot wat the oders wer.....sorry....we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves....n retired to our rooms...sinan went out cold immediately while i n brett kept blabberin....jus then sinan s cell vibrated...it was a messg from taha askin him if i n brett wer asleep so tht they cud paste us...i replied in the affirmative nd we pretended to b asleep waitin for them with toothpaste nd water.....pratap n taha enterd shortly...but slyly...nd wer jus abt to paste us wen i n brett shouted ...fk u.....n pasted both taha nd pratap....they wer in for a big surprise....taken aback they flicked on the lights only to find me n brett grinnin back at them.....pratap, bein unsuccessful, vent all his frustration on the sleeping sinan by pasting his hair really bad...!!!....he woke up wondering wat he did wrong lol!! then at 4 in da mornin we wer in the bathroon tryin to clean ourselves of the toothpaste on out shirts hair!!!!........we went bak to sleep after havin a great day!!!!!!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'sssssss
p.s.: sorry for the long post........nd ya i was the dog in that stupid fantasy play k?

ieee trip jan 2007.....day 1

2007-08-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

hello to everyone who s tolerant enuf to visit my pathetic blog n view all those shitty things which are an outcome of my utmost stupidity or delirium....well i ve got nothing to write abour n since the past few days i was wondering y no one has written nething abt the trip....of course guys it was THE TRIP after all.......so because pratap sinan or dimple cudnt take time off to write abt it...i , as selfless as ever, am willing to do the needful by giving the most explicit uncut version ever.....trust me this is more entertaining than road trip or euro trip!!.....day by day account...........
i never wanted to go for the trip everyone was sure tht its gonna be pay nd rag 9 day session for all of us.......but ma parents.as usual....they forced me to go...n thnk god for that!!! everyone was backing out n in the end only 14 fe s turned up....not to mention 120 se s and 84 te s!!! lolz!!!!
i stil rem the day before.......callin up ppl n askin them wat all to carry so tht nothins left behind........
day1:::::
..the trip...or the industrial visit as they say wa to bangalore-mysore-ooty-clicut.............i had to reach v.t.[oh sorry .c.s.t] at 6.45 in the morn....so dad was willin to drop me off.....i was too excited...this being ma first real trip outside mharashtra wid ma frnds.....i reached c.s.t. by a quarter to 7.....pratap was already der....he was the "opening batsman " as his father termed it!!...sooon the se s n te s started to arrive nd in no time all the fes wer der....me, pratap, gurtej, sinan, taha, brett,rahul dimple, ashwathi, swati, medha, pranali....well there was rohan khandelwal n rajeev safar also but i really didnt think they wer fe s!!! all along we thot rajeev was a t.e.!!!! lol!!! well rohans attire tht day was really worth describing!! we huddled together nervously watchin the se s n te s around us....finally our co ordinator came .....his name was gill,,,[brett heard it as jill....n i heard it as chill...lol!!]...he came up to us .......allotted athe seats in the train n our journey started.......
trust me..it was really boring.....we had to spend an entire day in the train nd a night also.......nd no one was willing to talk.......we played some card games but soon the enthusiasm wore off........n we sat lik really dumb ppl....sinan wasnt feelin well so he took leave of our company and took off to a land off limits to all normal ppl[am talkin abt his dreams if u got tht]....soon taha n pratap followed suit,,,,,i roamed abt for sometime...trying not to hav eye contact wid ne senior thinkin tht he would catch me n rag me lik hell!!!! the whole day passed by eventlessly.....we had some few entertaining chats wid the ocassional se n te passerbys....who wer giving all kinds of khunnas stares....lolz!the train food was bad as expected [am sorry i am crazy abt food n i hav to comment on it!!]..as night began to creep.....ppl started markin their berths....i had a middle left one wid rahul opp me.......medha above n dimple below....i constanly made efforts to c tht they didnt get a wink of sleep by banging empty plastic bottles on their berths.......brett was returning the favour by pullin everyones blankett every 2 mins........n then we saw them.....no not seniors! cockroaches!! lolz! we kept flickin the small ones at dimple [who got really pissed after one of the tiny ones climbed into her hair.......i swear dimp i saw it!!! lol!]..pratap taha gurtej aswathi swati wer sleepin in the next berth....soon sleep took hold of us.....nd zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

........to be continued........

tagged? secrets? wat r these?

2007-08-12T02:29:00.000-07:00

well dimple n pratap hav thrown me into this muddy puddle abt revealing my secrets by tagging me.......those who know me will know ..tht i am an open book.....i don hav secrets....watever i feel lik i say it.....therz nothin on ma mind if it s not on my tongue!!!!! but ther r som thins which ppl dont know....................

1. i dont have an ego....at all! its just not there....ppl tell me its really gud if they notice tht...but i really feel i shud hav at least some of it!! thts y i ve nevr been taken seriously! i hav the unique ability to laugh at maself!

2.i am one of the worlds worst liars.........ppl easily come to know wen i lie....i no thts really bad....i cant pretend...nor can i act false.......n i feel its not necessary to do all those shitty things which ppl do jus to make themselves feel falsely superior to others!

3.i was till late a very very shy person.......but it all went away once i stepped into engineering! for a no. of reasons.....the trip...my class...ma frnds.......n i wanna thnk everyone who was responsible in the slightest way possible to bring abt this transition in me!

4. i lik to spend time wid maself.....no i dont call it to be alone.....its spendin time wid oneself...tryin to understand oneself bettr.....i can get lost in ma thots in no time!

5. this one s not from prataps blog.....but i agree wid him on this point.......i hope i dont get married!!! i hav chosen ma words carefully!!! but i sincerely hope i dont.......therz a lot of things u can do if u dont! (contact me i ll tel u personally!)

6.i ve loved to pen down ma thots rite from school days.....i really wish i had kept those diaries!!!!! i love to write!!!!!

7. i am a confused person....in small things lik making small decisions.......but overall i am not confused as i portray maself to be.....i am absolutely clear abt ma life.....

................well... thts all i can think of.......oder thatn tht i don think i hav nething to hide.....adios ppl!

Just one step.........

2007-07-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

She was panting and coughing. Even her nervous energy was bidding her adios. One look at the hideous monster was enough to make her mouth go dry. She glanced around. There were several people. Laughing, talking ,going about their own business. There was so much of casual attitude around. No one seemed to realize the gravity of her problem. Drops of sweat had already begun to materialize on her forehead at the place where the previous ones had rolled of her pale skin. The creature stared at her with its huge planks going upwards in automation. Petrified, she looked at her feet. She was inches away from where the planks seem to emerge from nowhere. One step was all she needed to take and she would be safe. Trying to muster up enough courage she looked at the people who were dealing with the monster. They seemed to be so relaxed. They had some aura around them which they shared with the monster. They were compatible with it. There were no signs of discomfort at all. One step. She reminded herself. Just one proper step. And it would be over. She raised her foot to step on an approaching plank. they were emerging at a fast rate. She saw an old workwoman step on it and rise with ease. She felt a lot better. If she could do it, I certainly can, she told herself. One impulsive decision and immediately stepped on the approaching plank. She tipped her balance to some extent but quickly regained composure and caught the railing beside it. One step. That’s all it took. Finally amongst all the nervousness, she smiled. She had done it. Her forehead was beaming with confidence, her small shoulders rose and watched the monster with a sense of pride as she approached the second floor of inorbit mall, malad. She, an overweight middle aged woman, from a small town in maharashtra, coming to mumbai for the first time and seeing an ESCALATOR for the first time, had finally mastered the art of riding on an escalator…. She thanked god for it!!!!!
[this may sound stupid but its true….. its all exaggerated but I ve seen these things happen a lot of times….i ve even spoken to one them…..lolzzzzz!!!!!!!!!]

guitar obsession!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

i chose this topic coz i ve been through it.......all guys will know what m talkin about.......well u know it all starts with a guy in ur class or locality or among ur friends [usually] plays the guitar really well.......and it sounds so goddamn good to hear him or her play it.......everyone is impressed by his skill....thats wer n wen it all starts..u start to think......wil i b able to play too?
..........everything follows.......detailed information about the sound notes, octaves, chords and god knows what not.......ur friend guides u well and encourages u to buy that thing[will refer to it as the thing from now on].....u go n buy it.......practise it for a month or so and then.........u lose track.......all the interest disappears.....and ur left with one heavy furniture and 3.5 grands less in ur pocket........wat is the reason?....
lets see.......
well////the prob is usually in the startin.....if someone wants to play the guitar only to show off..its bye bye in the first round itself.......then there other set of ppl who want to play the thing because they loved a particular song[i fall in this category coz i wanted to play nothing else matters by metallica desparately].....these ppl gather info about everythin regardin guitars n their notes........but eventually lose out on interest after a while.......then there are those who go all the way to take classes.......they also fall out eventually.....
.......
..........a simple reason for all this!??????????
thats because learning a guitar is goddamn tough!!!!!!! in fact learnin any string instrument is tough!!!! it requires hell a lot of patience which half of the ppl over here dont have!!!!! so the ppl who readin this.....if u havent gone through this........plz make sure u dont run to the shop to get a guitar jus becoz u saw someone playin it!!!!!
[if ur thinkin that this blogger is crazy and wants to discourage buding guitarists jus because he didnt get a guitar of his own to practise on.......UR ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! THE GRAPES R SOUR PPL!!!!]

henry.......yyyy???

2007-06-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

dude.....we all know arsenal sucked this season....but u didnt play at all....wat do u mean ur disgusted with arsenal? its ur bloody responsibility to uphold da club which is responsible for wat u r!!! n ur headin spain? yyy? we all know the gunners are down....but don leave man.....its gonna be tough widout u!!!!!

suicides

2007-06-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

well.....u must be wondering y i chose this topic .......no ppl........i dont hav suicidal tendencies (sinan u bastard keep ur mouth shut!!)........but we all have out times wen the pressure gets too much n think of crazy things.......i read this article somewhere about suicides.....its inscribed in ma head forever.....i edited n made a few addtions to it n delivered it as a speech .......for our term work in comm. skills. that is!!!
here goes.....

Sometime back..am iitian commited suicide..ppl who commit suicides think that they have no future, but wait isnt iit one of the most prestigious institution in the world where every student dreams of going? y would a young student who has the world ahead of him do something like this? an the ans lies rite here..........

in our constant reference to the great institution[for i do believe iit s r great]..we for get the dark side...n the dark side is that iitian s r subjected to tremendous academic pressure...probably the highest in the world..i have two choices in front of me..i can go ranting abot the edu system an how it reqires changin or i can do sometin immediate,,,,,,,,try n prevent suicides.....for this lemme tel u wat a frnd of mine tol me who s an iit graduate earnin lik hel in the u.s rite now ....these wer his exact words.......
"" i was in the 9th std wen i first seriously contemplated suicide. i had done badly in ma half yearly chemistry exam . i was an iit aspirant n 72% was nower near an iit aspirant shud get...i had already decided to tak the drastic step..the only hurdle was method....

ironically chemistry offered a soln..i knew copper sulphate was both available easily at the local store an poisonous..i had it worked out.. ma rationale for killin maself was simple..nobody loved me my chem score was bad,n it wud mak no diff to the world if i wasnt der....

i didnt do it..n its funny y i didnt..on the day wen i was gonna do it..i noticed a street dog lyin on the road..nobody loved him, it wud mak no diff to the world if the dog wasnt der..i was pretty sure his chem would be awful..but he wasnt trottin off to the loacal store to buy copp sulphate..he was only interested in his next meal..n wen he was full, he lied in a corner wid one eye closed not carin a damn abt the world..if street dogs wernt givin up wtf was i rantin abt? i threw the copp sulphate in the waste bin.it was the best 40 bucks i ever wasted.........""

so y did i tell u all this? because sometimes the pressure gets too much..lik it did for the iitian..on the day he took that dreadful decision, his family n frnds wer shattered n india lost a bright wonderful child.. so next time u c a distressed young soul..lend a supportive non-judgemental ear..who knows u may be able to sav another bright future..because no matter how tough life gets hoe diff it seems, if street dogs dont giv up, therz no reason y we the smart ones shud..makes sense, right?.....